How does parental divorce affect children?

What can be done to help children overcome the separation of their parents?

When couples make the decision to separate or divorce, they face a grieving process that in most cases generates emotional Pain and brings with it physical and emotional discomfort.

There are divorces that are carried out with much more calm, understanding and ease than others; this depends on the type of relationship that was maintained, the years of cohabitation, in addition to the emotional and social resources.

What happens to the children when a marriage breaks up?

However, the purpose of this the purpose of this article is to focus on the figure of the children.. On many occasions, parents, because of their own pain, avoid paying attention to the suffering of their children, and we must remember that they are helpless and vulnerable to the decisions of adults and, above all, the last thing they want is to get away from their parents.

All children suffer from their parents' divorce, some to a greater extent than others.. This depends on age, personality, relationship with parents, couple dynamics and circumstances of the divorce. Typical reactions are: sadness, anger, worry, anxiety, sometimes they may express it verbally, sometimes they express it through changes in their behavior.

Coping with a successful separation

This article is intended to help parents of children between the ages of five and ten who have a healthy relationship with their parents, but must cope with their parents' divorce. In such a way that they manage to grow and develop as receptive, stable and flexible adults, without divorce being an insurmountable obstacle in the construction of their personality and their social and emotional skills.

Children, between the ages of five and ten years, usually understand the concept of "divorce" more easily..... They assume that they will not be able to see their parents as often, that they will change houses, sometimes schools, neighborhoods, and that certain types of activities will be different from now on. However, the pain that a child experiences because of the absence of their parent when the relationship has been stable and healthy is always present; no matter how many reasons we try to explain it to them, they miss and wish to have the coexistence of a united home.

1. Avoid making the children feel guilty about the separation.

It is important to mention that many children feel guilty for the separation of their parents.Even when it is explained to them that they are not responsible for the decision, they often blame themselves for a long time and even change their behavior believing that this way they can avoid separation or get their parents back together. They tend to blame themselves for a long time and even change their behavior believing that this way they can avoid the separation or get their parents back together.

The most important point, and the one from which the subsequent ones derive, is to understand, accept and act knowing that the separation is centered on the parents' relationship; they are the ones who have decided not to continue their lives together.. But the children at no time, starting from a healthy relationship, have to move away from their parents. For them, both parents remain essential figures in their lives and, therefore, the changes should not affect the child's perception of his or her parent after the divorce.

2. Avoid badmouthing the other parent

Unfortunately, it is very difficult for parents to make this differentiation and, consciously or unconsciously, due to the pain or stress of separation, they hurt the child's perception of the parent. In extreme cases, this can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

Some accounts mentioned by children in consultation often refer to their parents' speeches, which easily demonstrate the pain towards the spouse because of the separation. However, this should not affect the child. The child is vulnerable and can absorb the negative feelings of the "disappointed parent". That is why adults should focus their grief very well and not put the children in the middle of the "crossfire" that separations sometimes turn into. that separations sometimes become.

Next, we continue with other tips that can help adults handle divorce from a more assertive perspective and make the experience as bearable as possible for the children involved.

3. Love and trust in conveying the news of the divorce

Parents should focus their efforts on giving their love and trust to the child, fostering a calm and peaceful environment.They should provide an atmosphere of tranquility and respect. They should allow fluid communication and let the child express his or her thoughts and feelings, including what is not to his or her liking.

It is important to offer our unconditional support and, above all, to be sincere.. We must answer all the questions that the child expresses regarding the new changes, but it is not necessary to go into details.We should not go into detail about marital conflicts.

As parents, we must be confident with the decision, looking for support networks: family, friends, co-workers who are trustworthy and close to face the situation. Children can never be the parents' "tears cloth"..

4. How to communicate the separation

It is vital that both parents are present at the moment of giving the news to the children. The role as parents is maintained and this is a very distressing time for the child, therefore, the presence of both parents will offer the child more comfort and support, the presence of both parents will offer more security..

We must explain in a concrete, simple and sincere way the decision we have taken. It is necessary to transmit a clear and appropriate message for the child's age. According to your child's way of being, we must think about what is the fundamental idea to make clear.

Let us always be attentive to body language, both our own and that of the child.We should be sure to use looks, gestures and hugs that play in favor of the conversation, since at that moment the children are listening carefully to what we are transmitting and not only with words. Therefore, let's make sure to use looks, gestures and hugs that play in favor of the conversation.

5. Attend and inform about all the necessary matters.

We must provide the necessary information for the child to understand the changes that will occur in the future. It is very frequent that the parents are extremely stressed, since they must solve a series of economic, familiar and legal situations derived from the same divorce, and often downplay the importance of aspects that are vital for the children..

These important issues for children may be the following: if they will stop seeing their friends, if they will change schools, if they will be able to play with the neighbors, if they will be able to keep their pet, in short, the child's concerns must also be addressed, since most of them depend on the decisions of their parents. Therefore, before sharing the decision, we must try to have an answer to these types of needs of the little ones..

6. Space, time and tenderness for the child to assimilate the news

Offer space for the child to process the information.. Children process information in different ways, depending on different variables. The most important thing to remember is that they require time to assimilate it (the estimated time can be from two to six months in the case of the parents' divorce).

It is not a good idea for the child to understand the typical phrase: "this is the best decision", since At that moment the child feels that his parents thought only of themselves as adults, because he does not want to be left without his father or mother.We need to let him know that he has every right to be upset, disappointed, sad or worried. We can even tell him that we are sorry to put him through this, and that we offer him all our support at this time.

As with any grieving process, the child needs to place the blame on someone, either on him or herself or on the parents. It is part of the process of assimilation. That is why it is important to listen to them when they want to talk about it, as a way to let off steam, and to pay attention to their mood and behavioral changes: eating, sleeping, conversation topics, fatigue, socialization, affection, likes and dislikes, among others.

Sometimes children, consciously or unconsciously, seek to please their parents, try to please their parents or provide spaces to avoid separation.. We must be attentive to this type of behavior and, if necessary, point out that it is not a good idea. Also, we must be aware that they do not want to put themselves in the "position of the strong", because sometimes they believe that one of their parents needs them and it is their duty to help them, as mentioned at the beginning, no child should assume that role.

7. After the separation: communication, space and affection

Let's try to maintain the same routine and rearrange those spaces that evoke the absence of the person, such as the space at the table, the space at the table, the space at the table, the space at the table and the space at the table.such as the space at the table, the armchair in the television room or personal objects, so that they can be used in a different way.

We must incorporate new activities that are to everyone's liking: walks, visiting relatives, inviting companions to the house; that benefit both the child and us as parents. We must let the child know that we are happy to know that he/she feels happy, because many times young children feel guilty about feeling happy.

We must encourage spaces to feel close to their mom or dad. Always offer your support and let them know that you want them to enjoy their mother or father, even if they see less of him or her now.. Let him or her call you on the phone, write you messages, draw you a picture, visit you at work, etc. Also, let the other person participate in the child's school activities. It is necessary to prioritize the well-being of the child above the possible quarrels between parents.

8. Coping with a parent's absence

The reasons why adults divorce and the feelings that this entails are often not valid enough for children to understand the absence of one of the parents. In other words, for them that person is extremely important and loved in their lives, regardless of the mistakes he/she made in his/her role as a spouse..

Consequently, we should try to keep the details and details of the separation as far away from the child as possible, as well as the negative feelings that one or both spouses have against the other: anger, rage, disappointment, resentment, etc. Of course, it is necessary to avoid involving the children in behaviors such as insults, recrimination, revenge, reproaches and victimization.

9. To look for our psychological support and not to make the child responsible for it.

The processes of separation and divorce may require support from family, friends and even professionals, but remember that your child is not responsible for it.but remember that your child should not take on this task. As adults, we must look for our own help if we consider it necessary. Undoubtedly, it is a moment that can be painful, and for this reason we must look after the child's quality of life, accommodating and helping him/her to face the new reality.