How to act in a separation

When a couple makes the decision to break away It is very important to know how to focus correctly with the children that significant change that is going to take place within the family structure. First of all, it is very important to be able to differentiate the sphere of the couple's relationship from the sphere of the parent-child relationship. In this sense, it is essential to keep children out of issues and details that concern only the two members of the couple.

There are other indications that should be taken into account in a situation of separation:

• Parents must agree on the explanation that they are going to give to them, unifying the information and trying to make it appropriate for their age and level of understanding.
• It must be transmitted as a decision made and agreed by the parents, regardless of what the children manifest. Therefore, it is necessary to avoid that they may feel, in any way, guilty or think that with their attitude they have the possibility of influencing the decision.
• The emotional tone with which the separation decision is transmitted should be, as far as possible, calm and controlled, it being very important that children do not perceive excessive worry, anguish or despair in their parents that could significantly affect them.
• Special emphasis should be placed on the changes that this new situation will entail for the child and, specifically, in their relationship with one or the other parent. In addition, the adjustments that will be necessary in the new daily dynamics among family members should be explained to him. In these cases, it may be useful to point out especially the positive aspects that this change will bring to the child (for example, explaining that they will have two houses). It is important to explain any change in your daily habits in advance, so that you experience it as something predictable (for example, with phrases such as “from now on it will be dad who will pick you up at school in the afternoon”).
• It must be clarified with the child that the fact that the parents separate does not in any way mean that they stop loving their children or that they will not take care of them as before.
• At the same time, it should be avoided that children are forced to position themselves between one of the two parents or that information reaches them that allows them to classify their parents as 'good' or 'bad' or as 'guilty' or 'innocent' .
• Nor should they be used by one of the parents as "spies" of what the other member of the couple does, or to transmit messages or notes from one to the other.
• The child should never be scolded or punished for acts he has done while he was with the other member of the couple, if he had the consent of the same. For this reason it is also very important that both parents can decide and unify the norms, guidelines and limits that are going to be asked of the child, maintaining the same style of education.
• At the same time, it is essential to be able to maintain, as far as possible, the schedules and habits that the child already has established, since it will give them a greater sense of security and control.
• Once the decision has been communicated and the new reality in the child's life established, special attention should be paid to the child's adaptation process, their attitude, complaints or comments. In addition, an accessible and open attitude must be shown to answer questions that the child may have, as well as detect certain feelings (such as sadness or anger), concerns or fears that they may experience.
• In the event that they manifest, it is important to address the situation appropriately.
• On the other hand, it may be convenient to inform the school or other centers the child attends about the new context, with the aim of achieving their collaboration and maintaining continuous communication about the child's behavior and evolution.