How to get out of the role of victim in personal relationships?

A reflection on the importance of not assuming the role of victim systematically.

"Why do I always attract the same type of people?". This is a question often asked by the victim in us, our ego.

First of all, notice with the word "always". Is it really true that this happens "always", that is, that all your relationships are the same? No, but the ego likes to exaggerate or dramatize. It is part of the victim role it likes to play.

The victim role may be part of the problem

If we analyze our lives, most people suffer because they identify with the victim. They suffer because their partner does not do what they are supposed to do; they suffer because they do not have enough money to feel secure; they suffer because their boss has told them to do something that is not their competence; they suffer because they are afraid of making a fool of themselves when giving a speech; they suffer because they believe that their body is not the perfect size; they suffer because they believe they are less valid without knowing two languages....

In short, they suffer because they have identified with the victim. I repeat again: what hurts is not the situation itself but the fact that we believe ourselves to be victims of the situation, that is to say, we believe ourselves to be smaller than we are, believing ourselves to be smaller than we are.

From the victim's point of view, the suffering is attributed to the external circumstance (the partner, the money, the time, or whatever) and we do not realize that in reality we are suffering because we have mistaken ourselves for someone we are not.. If you believe that you are the ego (which specializes in playing the victim), you will suffer even if you get what you wanted. How many people do you know who, despite having their life changed for the better (a promotion, the birth of a child, regaining their health, or whatever), still feel like a victim?

Another curious thing is that the victim believes that if he does not complain or suffer, he cannot find a solution. The victim believes that fulfilling his role (suffering) is how he will achieve his desires..

Do you remember when, as a child, you used to kick and scream until mom or dad listened to you? After repeating it a thousand times, it was engraved in our minds that "you have to be a victim" or you won't get away with it. Our parents also learned as children that "whoever doesn't cry doesn't suckle" and now, with us, they give up their power (they fall into the role of "savior" or "victim") in the face of our tantrums, perpetuating the same thing they learned from their parents (your grandparents).

The problem is that "crying" (or complaining) because things are not as our ego would like them to be is not a strategy that really makes us feel good (or makes others feel good). (or make others feel good). As you grow in awareness and responsibility, you stop using blackmail and stop acting to please other egos, and you discover another way of relating to the world.

• You may be interested in, "What is Social Psychology?"

The victim in relationships

The role of the victim is clear in a thousand and one situations, and even more so in intimate relationships.. When a person expects the other person to do something different in order to feel better, they are telling the Universe the following: "I am not responsible for my life, others have the power to make me happy; I consider myself less than the other person, please, Universe, help me".

And how does the Universe respond? Well, with justice and without favoritism: it responds by breaking your expectations, so that the other person (who is the Universe in disguise) does not do what you expected or desired. The Universe is telling you, through its response: "Believe in yourself, do not seek outside what you can only find inside you; you are a complete being because you are Me, the Universe manifested through this body".

Do you understand why we attract the same kind of people? Because we continually place ourselves in the role of victim. We attract the right people to break our limiting beliefs. (believing that we are less or that we lack something that only the other person can give). Therefore, the other person is a blessing disguised as a perpetrator or savior.

• Related article, "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

How to get out of the role of victim?

When the victim is activated in us, instead of running away or attacking the other person, I suggest you do two things.

Ask yourself if you suffer because the other person doesn't do what he or she is supposed to do.

For example, you have fallen in love with someone and you notice that communication has cooled down, he or she no longer seeks the conversation the same way you do or the way you would like. At that point, the victim in you, who deep down expects the other person to say "I want you, I love you," suffers.

The question you must ask yourself is: do I suffer because the other person does not talk to me or do I suffer because he/she believes that I am not complete and I need someone by my side to feel good? Take a few seconds to breathe and reflect on this question. You will realize that you are suffering because you thought you were incomplete.

Then ask yourself, "Is it true that I am not complete now? In other words, "Is it absolutely true that I am missing something right now? And notice that it mentions "now" in the question. I'm not interested in what you believe (or think) from your ego (with the whole story of how things should be).

I am interested in you looking at yourself, observing and feeling in the present moment and answering, "without identifying with the ego drama, is there anything missing in me now to feel full and happy?". And stop for a moment to breathe and let the answer come from your heart, not from your head.

You will realize that you are not missing anything now. It is only when you turn away from the present moment that you suffer, that is, when you bring up memories of the past or imagine a future different from the present reality..

Open yourself to feel deeply the victim that dwells in you.

Instead of closing yourself off to what you feel by trying to convince the other or accusing the other, look inward and open yourself to meet the victim that has been activated within you. You should retreat to a quiet place where you can be alone and undistracted and sit with yourself. Let the victim speak to you and listen to it.

Give voice (expression) to your victim and find out their story.. If you do, you will realize how that role is designed. You will realize that he or she is behaving like a 3-year-old child who feels hurt, abandoned or rejected.

Give yourself permission to feel that pain without wanting to change it. If you open your Heart to those wounds that you avoided feeling, those wounds, with your awareness or presence, are transformed, and in the end you find freedom and joy.

As you go deeper into what you avoided feeling before, you find yourself expanded, more integrated, more complete. And then you realize that you are not the victim, but the one who is the victim. that to which nothing can be added and from which nothing can be subtracted..

You are the consciousness that does not change, that no one can hurt and no one can hurt anyone. In that moment of connection with your true identity, you will stop believing that you are a victim. In that moment of inner enlightenment, you will realize that everything that happens in your life is perfect, and you will feel grateful to all the people who made you feel bad.

If you discover your authentic nature, you will leave behind years of cultural conditioning that has been instilled in us since we were children. Just as when you were a child you got rid of the belief that "Santa Claus exists and knows everything" and no meditation was necessary to deprogram your mind, when you connect with the truth (that you are and always have been), the fantasy that you are a victim will disappear.