How to help your son or daughter cope with parental separation?

Tips to help your young child cope with the separation or divorce of his or her parents.

Separation is almost always an emotionally painful experience for people who put an end to a couple relationship, although there are always exceptions and it can happen that it is seen as a liberation after a stage of discomfort and mutual discomfort that in certain cases is celebrated even by both parties.

However, cases in which the separation does not have a negative impact on the emotional state of the young children, if any, are even less common. It is almost always the case that children and adolescents who see their parents separating suffer psychologically for weeks or even months at a time. And if this experience is not well managed by the adults, it can even lead to traumas in the children.

Therefore, here we will review some tips on how to help your child cope with the separation of his or her parents. to know how to help your son or daughter to face the separation of their parents.

What to do to help a child cope with the separation or divorce of their parents?

Although each person is a mudo, there are some guidelines to follow that the adults who separate should take into account by way of general recommendations to help their young children to manage this situation. Let's take a look at a summary of them.

1. Agree with your ex-partner as much as possible in terms of parenting.

As far as possible, and as long as the separation has not occurred in a context of abuse, agree as soon as possible on the way in which the visits to each parent will take place, the logistics of this process, and the parenting tasks to be performed by each one.

The welfare of the child cannot have less priority than the rest of the issues related to the breakup or divorce.Therefore, it is important to give them stability as soon as possible and not to subject their upbringing to ups and downs, unilateral decisions (we insist: in case there is no abusive party) or sudden changes of opinion.

2. Avoid exposing them to intense discussions.

There are those who believe that it is good for little ones to see the quarrels that may arise between parents because they are a reflection of real life and supposedly that helps children learn the good and bad aspects of personal relationships as soon as possible.

However, this belief, which is highly debatable (among other things because of the wide margin it leaves for blunders depending on the intensity and nature of those discussions), is especially erroneous in the case of a divorce or separation situation.

Remember that it is these kinds of specific experiences with a strong emotional and symbolic charge that the child will associate with the experience of separation from the parents, so that those images and sensations will be associated with the separation.So that those images and sensations will come to his mind every time that he remembers that rupture.

3. Make it clear that he or she is not to blame for anything

If the child internalizes the idea that all the emotionally painful experiences linked to the separation are his or her fault, this will significantly damage his or her mental health and increase the risk that he or she will develop a trauma that is difficult to overcome. Therefore, offer them an explanation about what happened that is adapted to their capacity of understanding due to their age and in which, above all, it is clear that the separation is not their fault.

And of course, it is important not to include in the explanation information that leads them to think that stress or physical and/or psychological wear and tear has deteriorated the quality of the relationship between the parents, since in cases like this, the most usual thing is that this is interpreted in the most pessimistic way possible by children and adolescents; at these early ages they do not yet have the capacity of an adult to appreciate nuances and complexities in the cause-effect mechanisms, and it is also common for them to confuse the two.Moreover, they often confuse the concept of guilt with that of responsibility and with the objective causes of an unpleasant experience.

4. Explain as soon as possible how the time with the parents will be planned.

Following on from the first piece of advice, in order to avoid a period of uncertainty that is too long, do your best to make it clear, as soon as possible, the way in which from this phase of the parents' breakup, he/she will be able to spend time with each of them. (as long as there have not been dynamics of abuse and therefore should be kept away from those who can harm their physical or mental health).

5. In case the situation overwhelms you, resort to the psychological assistance of professionals.

If the challenge of facing the upbringing of your son or daughter overcomes you in a context of separation or divorce complicated to manage, seek psychological assistance, either in the form of counseling for parents, or through a process of therapy..

And if you detect worrying symptoms in your son or daughter and it seems that the situation is damaging their mental health, it is important that you turn to child and adolescent therapy services as soon as possible. In the first years of life we are especially vulnerable to potentially problematic experiences, and if we do not have professional help, these can leave an emotional mark on children that can last for a long time and generate problems years or decades down the road if it is not treated in therapy.

Remember that psychologists provide support and training plans and "emotional coaching" in everything related to parenting (if they have a child-juvenile specialty), the management of feelings and dysfunctional thoughts, and behavioral patterns that constitute useful or harmful routines or habits. In case the support you are looking for has to do with the legal system, go to a lawyer..

Are you looking for the services of a team of psychologists?

If you are interested in having professional psychological support, contact us.

In Cribecca Psychology we serve people of all ages, offering psychotherapy for individual patients, family therapy and couples therapy, in addition to neuropsychology services. You will find our psychology center in Seville, or instead of opting for the mode of face-to-face sessions, we can also conduct online sessions by video call.