How to overcome disappointments and emerge stronger from them.

5 keys to come out psychologically strengthened after a disappointment.

Who hasn't experienced that knot in the stomach when we feel that a person we trusted has disappointed us? Why do many people end up shutting themselves away and not believing in people? Is it true that no one can be trusted?

For a disappointment to happen, we must have previously built an expectation. "I didn't expect this from you", "I thought you would do this for me", etc.

We value people's behavior to the extent that it fits in with our beliefs about how someone has to behave within that role: our mother has to be loving and understanding, our father protective and strong, our partner can only have eyes for us, and our friends always have to "be there." If such behavior is out of what we consider appropriate, we get angry, disappointed, saddened and even get the feeling that we do not know the person in front of us.

Why is that? Because we do not relate to people as they are, but as we think they are, or worse, as we think they are.or, even worse, as we want them to be. We idealize, project, devalue and therefore we do not relate in a real way, but in a fantasized way. However, there are useful strategies to overcome disappointments in the best possible way.

Managing expectations

The first step to protect ourselves from the unpleasant sensation of feeling disappointed is not to generate too many expectations regarding the people we relate to. Not expecting too much from people does not have to do with the pessimistic ideation that "everyone will fail us", but with trying to see the person as he/she is and not as we want him/her to be, and accepting that certain decisions or behaviors that he/she adopts as the free person that he/she is, may not be to our liking.

Secondly, we must avoid projections and we should avoid projections and overgeneralizations about our past experiences.. The disappointments and ruptures of trust that we have suffered in the past have nothing to do with our present reality, and putting up a wall as a defensive mechanism in the face of future disappointments will only serve to distance us from society and consequently make us feel lonely and live in fear.

Even so, it is likely that throughout our lives we will suffer from betrayal, lies or harm produced by a loved one or a person we considered trustworthy. What to do if we find ourselves in this situation?

1. Regulate the emotions that arise as a result of the disappointment.

In the face of disappointment, emotions related to sadness, fear, anger or frustration appear. It is important to learn to identify them, experience them, and regulate them in a healthy way so that they do not become chronic or turn against us. It is also necessary to give ourselves the space to cry and release the anger that has arisen from the unexpected situation.

2. Talking about our feelings

We should also verbalize our feelings to a person we trust, and if necessary, with the person we trust.If necessary, with the person who has made the "offense" so that he/she understands our emotions.

We have to value and weigh if we want that person to continue being part of our life, or if on the contrary we prefer to continue our way without him/her. In both options, it is important to work on forgiveness so that the emotion does not turn into a grudge that only poisons us.

3. Start to see the disappointment as a learning experience.

Once the whirlwind of emotions that we have felt due to the disappointment has passed, it is important that we carry out a self-examination or introspection in order to to see if the image we had built of that person was distorted, and if we have a tendency to idealize the person.and if we have a tendency to idealize our interpersonal relationships.

Disappointment also reminds us that relationships are constantly changing and that we have to accept their uncontrollability, as well as the behavior of those around us.

4. Trusting people again

Some disappointments are so painful that we feel that we will never be able to trust anyone again. as a protection we run the risk of becoming inaccessible, distrustful, paranoid or unfair to the people around us..

No one can assure us that our loved ones will not "fail" us, but accepting the possibility and enjoying the relationship in the present is the smarter choice.

"We need people in our lives with whom we can be as honest as possible. Having real conversations with people seems like such a simple and obvious proposition, but it involves courage and risk" Thomas Moore.