"I can’t find that special person": 6 causes and solutions

Should we worry if we do not find that special person?

The desire to have a partner, whether or not related to the intention of starting a family, are a relatively frequent source of concern for people of almost all ages..

It is also very common, although no less unpleasant and stressful, that the problems in finding someone suitable become a cause for concern that produces anxiety or something that generates a sense of hopelessness in those who see their singleness as an irremediable destiny.

This is usually expressed in the phrase "I can't find that special person". How can we approach psychologically these cases in which unwanted singleness generates discomfort and tendency to sadness, stress or even depressive symptoms? Below we will see some aspects to take into account in these cases.

Why can't I have a partner? A first step

We must be clear from the first moment that everything we can do to stop suffering for not finding the right partner depends basically on the person concerned, since we cannot hold others responsible for not meeting the characteristics we are looking for or for not reciprocating our affection for them.. 

This, which seems obvious, is something that is often overlooked in moments of vulnerability: it is very easy to blame others, since this allows us to see incarnated several of the problems that afflict us and offers a possibility to alleviate the discomfort at the expense of the other person.

1. Reviewing the case of people with a partner

It is possible that the idea of not finding someone special does not only affect single people, but also people who feel distanced from their partner or who believe that they do not love them enough. In these cases there are a variety of factors that come into play, and that is why we will not discuss these cases in this article.. 

The best thing to do in these cases is to start by establishing fluid communication with your partner about this issue and, from there, explore possibilities together or with the help of professionals.

2. Self-examination

The second point is already a call to action: to analyze our own feelings and behaviors in order to know what is happening to us.. There are many ways to experience unwanted singleness; one can be looking for someone to start a family, or it is also possible that one is looking for a partner because of social pressure, or that one has recently suffered a rejection and that this has generated a crisis.

It is necessary not to take too many things for granted regarding our true motivations and needs. This step alone can be a difficult learning process for those who are not accustomed to introspective self-examination or who are not in the habit of performing activities related to what is sometimes called emotional intelligence.

3. Working on expectations

Part of the problem of believing that one does not find the right person to form a couple is often found in expectations, which can often be deeply can often be deeply shaped by social pressure or even fashionThe expectations are often deeply shaped by social pressure or even fashion, the movie industry, and the celebrity world in general.

In these market sectors it is common to invest a lot of money in developing image campaigns to make people offer the public the best image of themselves, an easily "idealized" version that in many occasions does not even define well their real personality. However, this is something that we tend to overlook and that causes us to create unrealistic expectations about what people can be like 24 hours a day. unrealistic expectations of what people can be like 24 hours a day, 24 hours a day.. If we imagine that it is normal to be like these young and famous people all day long, it kills our frustration tolerance for the shortcomings of others.

4. Detecting the signs of isolation

Those who manifest some signs close to depression when not finding a partner will be more likely to isolate themselves more, which can make them feel more lonely. Sadness and hopelessness not only causes us to lose the energy to do things like go out and meet people, it puts us in a loop of thoughts that damages our self-esteem and makes us think it is useless to look for and makes us think that it is useless to look for company, since no one is going to be interested in us.

When someone makes moves to approach a sad or depressed person, instead of being interpreted as a good sign, this often produces fear or anxiety, or is taken as a sign of pity or mockery. This leads to a defensive attitude that nonverbally expresses the idea that you want to be left alone, which often causes the person to withdraw. This, in turn, is memorized as an unpleasant situation that has ended in a return to solitude, which confirms the ideas that one is destined to be alone.

If we have decided that we are really interested in meeting new people, it is important that we try to force ourselves to engage in activities that increase our chances of interacting with others, even if we do not feel like it at all because of our low mood. For this purpose, the collaboration of our friends, who usually offer very good emotional support, is very helpful.

5. Finding ways to meet people

This is one of the most obvious steps to find interesting people, and it is worth taking the time to explore all of them. In the case of the possibility of meeting people on the Internet, it is important to let go of preconceptions, it is important to get rid of the negative prejudices associated with this form of initial contact that still exist.These are based on stereotypes about people who have traditionally used computers for entertainment and, in addition to being based on fallacies and caricatured versions of reality, are very outdated.

6. Other proposals for love

Finally, there is something worth bearing in mind: there is also the possibility of having affective relationships that do not adhere to the traditional romantic love couple. Polyamory is one more form of affectivity that many people find useful.

Concluding

However much we may think "I can't find that person". this is only a description of the present situation, not a statement about how things should be and how our future will be. and how our future is going to be.

It is important to break the loop of ideas related to sadness and hopelessness, which limit our margin of movement, and force ourselves to carry out those activities that we know will help us to meet more people.