I hate my father: what can I do to stop feeling that way?

The relationship with parents can sometimes be stormy, how to improve the bond?

Family life can be a great source of conflicts, which, if not properly managed which, if not properly managed, can grow into a ball that gets bigger over time.

The reasons for this tendency to intensify certain conflicts have to do with many factors: daily dealings (which make it difficult to take a few days off to better empathize with each other during the reunion), the importance of parental roles and the seriousness of negligence in the care and education of children, etc.

That is why, on occasion, many patients attending therapy show a high degree of anger and resentment against one or both parents.or both. Phrases such as "I hate my father" are relatively frequent in this area.

Possible reasons for father-hatred and how to solve it

However, what to do when conflicts of this type become very intense and seem to be chronic? what to do when conflicts of this type become very intense and seem to be chronic?

There are many possible causes that explain the birth of this feeling of hatred, and so here I will focus on some of the most common ones that have to do with the role of fathers in Western cultures.

1. If it is a feeling of guilt

In some cases in the family history there are traumatic events, the blame for which is attributed to someone specific, even though doing this is a simplification. It is a way of having a target on which to unload frustration.. 

The father figure, who has traditionally been associated with the role of protector of the family, is often the target of these recriminations. To solve these situations, it is necessary to restructure one's thinking and beliefs about what happened so that a more realistic, nuanced and detailed view is adopted.

2. If it is a history of abuse

In some cases the accumulated resentment against the parent is due to a history of sexual abuse committed by the parent.

These may be recent or may have been committed in the distant past, but in both cases the solution must involve the opening of a judicial process to clarify whether or not these abuses were actually committed. During the process, the person must remain isolated from the influence of the father, because of the possible physical or psychological damage that he may cause, as well as to avoid manipulation based on emotional blackmail. Because of the physical constitution of males, the capacity of fathers to use physical coercion is greater, so it is necessary to take security measures.

Any possibility of reconciliation between the father and the son or daughter must be subject to a clear and sufficiently proven long-term reintegration of the father. sufficiently proven long-term reintegration on the part of the parent.

3. If it is due to parental neglect

Parental negligence, understood as the abandonment of children and the refusal to carry out the tasks of care and education that should be carried out by the caregivers in a mandatory manner, is a form of child abuse that usually leaves traces in the behavior of people when they become adults. Among these traces is often the feeling of hatred. 

In these cases reconciliation is usually difficult, since parents who have neglected the care of their children and the establishment of affective bonds with them during their childhood tend not to feel more attached to them when they are adults, which makes separation an effective strategy to avoid having to think recurrently about all those things related to the parents.

In cases in which the latter are repentant and want to start having a healthy relationship with their children, the help of psychotherapeutic assistance is usually a requirement.

4. If it is due to communication failures

Communication defects are a source of problems and conflicts not only between parents and children, but also in the relationship of all parents and children.but also in the relationship of all members of a family in general. The adoption of very delimited family roles and the creation of taboo topics can lead to an oppressive atmosphere in the family where people cannot express themselves honestly, which is often associated with the appearance of a state of continuous self-surveillance and, therefore, stress, which can be a source of explosions of anger and rage.

In these cases it is also advisable to attend forms of psychotherapy in which several members of the couple are worked on at the same time, in order to get communication flowing.