I have a hard time making friends: causes and solutions

Some people find it difficult to make friends. How can we help them?

Social isolation and difficulty in making friends are two of the problems that, paradoxically, occur in a society where the Internet has the capacity to bring all kinds of people into contact with each other.

Problems in forging friendships not only have consequences on people's mood and self-esteem, but also on their self-esteem.It has also been seen that loneliness is related to a shorter life expectancy.

• Highly recommended article: "Guide to meeting new people: sites, skills and tips".

How to break the isolation?

Gaining a greater ability to win friends is a process that involves engaging on several fronts. Fortunately, it is possible to win at all of them if you follow the right strategies and show commitment to certain principles and ideas.

Here's what people who find it hard to make friends can do to break out of their isolation.

• We also recommend: "Top 14 social skills to succeed in life".

1. Work on self-esteem

This is a step that must be taken first but must accompany all those that follow it. The perception that there is a lack of friends by our side is often associated with the belief that we are not good enough for someone to want to spend time with us, which in turn causes us to adopt behaviors that make it difficult to create bonds of friendship.

It is therefore necessary to analyze these beliefs in a calm and somewhat detached manner, judging their foundations and seeing how they conform to reality. Normally social isolation is produced by the anticipation of failure in making contact with other people, with the fear that this generates and the lack of self-esteem that makes us be defensive and renounce the possibilities of making friends, which in turn confirms our pessimistic beliefs.

This step can be initiated alone or with the help of friends and family, but attending psychotherapy is also a good option for this cognitive restructuring.

2. Judging our friendship needs

Secondly, we should stop and think about why we want to have more friends.. This will help us to know what is the nature of our need, which at the same time will make it possible to be clear about the contexts in which we want to meet people and the kind of people we want to deal with.

3. Search for meeting places

Secondly, we should think about where we can make new friends. Here we should consider meeting places, but also virtual spaces, especially forums where we can find people with common interests. Beyond social networks, which tend to be designed more for individual contact with people we already know, there are websites with sections for debate and discussion in which people who are regulars of the place meet.are a good option.

4. Seek exposure

Losing the fear of exposing ourselves to the opinion of others is absolutely essential when it comes to making friends. To do so, we must get out of our comfort zone and combat the fear we have learned from previous frustrating experiences when it comes to making friends. Following self-instructions and "self-obliging" ourselves to comply with them following a scale of difficulty is a good way to solve this, as well as being a resource widely used in cases of social phobia.

5. Not following scripts in conversation

Once you have started a conversation with someone, it is necessary to give up the possibility of following a more or less structured script in which we have included elements that we want to say: they do not work and make the dialogue not very fluid and unsatisfactory. It is advisable to seek spontaneity. To do this, it is good to follow relaxation protocols (if possible with the help of a therapist) and let ourselves be carried away by the dialogue without thinking obsessively about the image we are giving. If we are confident and sure of ourselves, the most absurd conversation can turn into the most absurd one, the most absurd conversation can turn into something fun and stimulating..

6. Show commitment

Maintaining the bonds of friendship is to bet on the commitment that unites two people who consider themselves friends.. This means making some sacrifices and being clear that we should also be willing to contribute something to the other. It is a very basic point but one that is often forgotten, causing relationships to deteriorate and become circumstantial, something instrumental.

Concluding

If the phrase "it's hard for me to make friends" often goes round our heads, we must be clear about two things: on the one hand, that if we are willing, we can be friends with many more people, and on the other hand, that this process will cost us a lot of time and effort, that this process will cost us a series of efforts and sacrifices that will make us leave our comfort zone.. 

Having this clear from the beginning is basic to avoid getting discouraged in the first stages, something that can make this experience be memorized as a "proof" that friends are not made for us.