Nov 6 / 2021

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

The possibility of loving more than one person simultaneously has assaulted minds - and hearts - forever. But ... can you really love two people at once?

Love and infatuation

First of all, it is important to differentiate these two concepts. Infatuation is an intense emotional state of attraction for another person. It is an initial phase in which the other is idealized. Love comes later, when you get to know the other person in depth, accepting their defects and their virtues, and looking for their good above all else. There is a commitment and projection for the future. Many times we talk about loving two people when what is really happening is that you love one and are in love with another. But can you feel deep love for two people? The answer is yes.

What does biology say?

During infatuation, our body is flooded with high intensity emotions, which are governed by adrenaline and dopamine. The brain is, we could say, in a state of euphoria that gives rise to passion. It is later when oxytocin, the attachment hormone, appears, the bond begins to be established in the relationship, and love begins. Our biological makeup does not prevent dopamine and oxytocin from coexisting. They can occur at the same time, so infatuation and love could also coexist. In the same way, oxytocin does not have to be confined to a single person. It is not biology that prevents extending love to more than two, but social influence.

What do culture and society say?

We have traditionally been raised to monogamy. Romantic love consists of two people loving each other from the exclusivity. Other ways of loving create confusion because they go beyond this rule, and this confusion generates suffering. At the social level, there is a tendency to reject what is different from the usual, what is supposedly "normal". But what is more common does not necessarily have to be the right thing to do, nor does it have to be the only option. There are many ways to love.

Polyamory

The term polyamory was coined in the early 90s and consists of having several couples at the same time with the knowledge of all the parties involved. Although it is difficult to calculate, it is estimated that between 5-8% of the population has practiced it at some point. It is, in reality, a way of managing affectivity and not necessarily sexuality. Each polyamorous relationship agrees on its bases and how it works, and the options are very varied. They can include diverse sexual orientations between their members or they can have intimate relations between some and not between others. In polyamory enters the possibility of love two people at once. It is important not to confuse polyamory with polygamy (where there has been a legal marriage between a man and several women or vice versa) or exchange partners or swinging (where the relationship is not loving but sexual).

Types of polyamory:

Hierarchical love: there is a nucleus of people who have a closer or more intense relationship, who are linked with other people maintaining secondary relationships.
Polifidelity: There is a limited circle of people with whom you can have intimate relationships, but outside that limit they are prohibited.
Free love or relational anarchy: There are no restrictions, there is absolute freedom both to love and to have sex, but it has to be based on consensus from the beginning.

How to handle it?

For love between several people to be healthy, it is essential not only that all parties are informed, but that they also agree. Otherwise it would be one. The agreement between the parties has to derive from the individual will, without pressure from the other, or even to please him.

It is key to agree on the functioning of the relationship and its limits.

There is no reason to think that the problems of relationships between two people do not occur in relationships between more people. They may appear, for example, or fear of being excluded. It is important to clarify the times and the shared activities so as not to leave room for misunderstandings.

Communication is crucial. If it is already expensive sometimes to understand each other in a relationship with two (each one comes from a family of origin with different criteria, different life stories and experiences, disparate beliefs, vital moments or specific needs ...), it can be even more complicated when they intervene more people.

Tolerance and generosity are always good allies.

It is important to be able to be open for the relationship to evolve, expanding or limiting the members that make it up or changing the internal “norms”.

Polyamory should never be considered as a way to reactivate a couple in crisis.

With regard to the upbringing of children, there is no evidence that confirms major problems to be born in the bosom of a polyamorous or traditional family. They are simply different ways of loving.

Many times we talk about loving two people when what is really happening is that you love one and are in love with another.
The term polyamory was coined in the early 90s and consists of having several couples at the same time with the knowledge of all the parties involved.
It is important not to confuse polyamory with polygamy (where there has been a legal marriage between a man and several women or vice versa) or the exchange of couples or swinging (where the relationship is not loving but sexual).

Spe cialist in Clinical Psychology Advance Medical Consulting Psychologist

(Updated at Apr 14 / 2024)