It is possible to have sex only with kisses

It is important to leave behind preconceived ideas that limit us when it comes to enjoying sex.

It is obvious that we live in a society in which we count everything and establish hierarchies for everything; for example, in friendships, there are people we say hello to, acquaintances, friends to have a drink, friends to talk to and best friends, and we could go on breaking down and creating categories.

This way of thinking through hierarchies is so ingrained in us that we also apply it to our sexual relations.. We talk about "bases" or "phases" when we are getting to know someone in an affective-sexual way and we have conversations like:

-Have you kissed yet?

-No, we haven't reached that stage yet....

But... What happens when we get to the "base" of sex? How do we know if we have had sex or not? What guide do we use to know? Have you had sex if you've kissed, or does it take more? In order to clarify, we have created some "phases" that differentiate what is a sexual relationship from what is not.

Sex and its "phases

Before getting into the subject, I propose an exercise. I am going to introduce you to 4 words that you will quickly have to relate to the moment of the sexual relation in which they are produced. Here we go:

How did it go? Simple, isn't it? Most of us relate caresses and kisses with the so-called preliminaries, intercourse with sex itself (also when we think of sex itself).intercourse with sex itself (also when we think of a sexual relationship the first thing that comes to mind is intercourse) and orgasm is related to the end of the sexual relationship.

In this way, we give each practice a place and a space. This is not all bad in order to understand how sex works in general terms (socially learned), but it is often confusing for us. it often leads to confusion:

-Have you already done it?

-No, well yes, or no... I don't know... we kissed and touched each other, I had an orgasm, but we didn't do more... does that count as having done it?

Why so much confusion?

Have you ever had this conversation? The vast majority of us have had this doubt. The fact of dividing the sexual relationship in phases makes us believe that there are certain things that have to happen and that there is a protocol to followPreliminaries, intercourse and orgasm. This makes us believe that we have not had sex if there has been no intercourse or that we have had incomplete sex if there has been no orgasm.

Sexual intercourse is a process where we decide when it ends, the orgasm does not mark the end. Sex is, in reality, a back-and-forth sexual game where all practices have a place. It is an exchange of intimacy, desire and pleasure.

There is no such thing as foreplay

Let's demystify these categories.

The preliminaries do not exist, because as we do not have to get anywhere, there is nothing to do beforehand, everything is part of the sexual game.

Coitus does not always have to happen, and that does not mean that sex has not been had. Relating sex and intercourse as if they were almost synonymous makes other practices invisible and, moreover, makes sex only understood in heterosexual couples.

Orgasm is fantastic, we will not deny it, but if we begin to assume that it may or may not be there, we will enjoy much more, we will remove a mental burden. If we understand orgasm and intercourse as something that must occur in an encounter, we will put our mind in "competitive mode" and it will only be focused on getting to that point, which will make us not enjoy 100% of what is happening.

From the first kiss to the last look everything is sex

If you've had an intense kissing session, you've had sex. If you've played at getting naked and just caressing each other, you've had sex. If you have sent each other sexy pictures, you have had sex and if you have masturbated each other (with or without orgasm), you have had sex.

To finish I propose that, in your next sexual relationship, you and your partner/s forbid each other to touch your genitals and experiment with touching your whole body from toe to head (in turns), with caresses, kisses, with nails, with soft touches and light squeezes... Reinvent your sexual relationsForget about reaching orgasm, focus on enjoying the touch and make your sex is not linear and consecutive, but a roller coaster of experiences.

I am Gisell Chavasco, Psychologist and Sexologist of PsicoAlmería.. If you have any doubts regarding the topic discussed in this article or you need advice and help on a personal or couple level, both my colleagues and I will be happy to help you. The first step is important for change, you can contact us without obligation.

Author: Gisell Chavasco, Psychologist and Sexologist.