Jealousy in the couple

Jealousy is usually caused by fear of the possibility that a loved one prefers another instead of oneself and leaves him. On the other hand, this feeling can be increased because the person experiencing jealousy believes that it is he who owns the consideration, interest or attention that is being given to the other person.

However, sporadic jealousy or in moderate doses can be considered natural and adaptive, since it usually leads to caring and valuing the relationship that one has. But if these are presented in an exaggerated and uncontrolled way, they will become a sick reaction that will cloud the reason of those who possess them.

In this way, an overly jealous person will tend to base their suspicions on unfounded facts or to continually detect signs that their fears are being fulfilled and will try to solve their problem by exercising strict control over their partner.

It is important to differentiate jealousy from envy. While in the latter the person wants what he does not have, in jealousy one is afraid of losing what he has.

It can be considered pathological jealousy when it is an intense, lasting and unfounded reaction, causing suffering in the person who possesses it, recurring thoughts about said fears and a behavior often directed by that feeling.

Why do they appear?

There are two main components to jealousy: possession and insecurity. Whoever owns them has the conviction that the loved one is their property, and the possibility of losing that valuable possession that provides security, generates great anguish, problems with their self-esteem and anxiety.

A very jealous person feels unable to reject thoughts related to that of his partner, even if he does not have any objective evidence or proof.

But ... what are the possible clues that can cause the appearance of jealousy?

• Certain childhood experiences of the person who suffers them. The learning of these types of jealous reactions in the family or in close surroundings. For example, a person who has witnessed scenes of jealousy in their parents may be more likely to be jealous than a person whose parents felt safe from each other.
• The sociocultural context in which the person is immersed. Certain experiences previously lived. A person who has been betrayed by someone they trusted is more likely to later develop a jealous personality.
• The type of relationship that is established between a jealous person and their partner and the destructive patterns that cause and maintain jealousy.

What are the characteristics of the jealous personality?

Jealousy is an innate feeling, but the trigger from the environment is necessary for it to manifest itself. The personality traits of the jealous person are:

• Insecurity and emotional dependence.
• Distrust of others.
• Low self-esteem. Feelings of insecurity easily lead to thinking that others are worth more than they are.
• Introversion and lack of resources and social skills.

It should also be taken into account that jealousy tends to appear more easily at certain moments in the life of the couple, such as at the beginning of coexistence, with the birth of a child, before the start of a new job, in travel situations professional or professional success, among many other situations.

There are also other specific contexts that increase the probability that jealousy is triggered and developed, such as, for example, when the other member of the couple shows a lot of interest in another person or when they are unaware of their whereabouts.

How to solve it?

In general, if it is a moderate reaction, the following indications can be taken into account:

• Try to be objective, differentiating the real events from those imagined or feared.
• Be aware that it is healthy to give your partner their own space.
• Avoid the impulse to blame the other, taking into account that it is your own feeling and that you are solely responsible for the situation and its overcoming.
• Avoid constantly controlling what the other is doing, causing you to feel more and more trapped and overwhelmed.
• At the same time avoid using threats or violent behavior, which will only amplify the problem.
• Contrast these fears and suspicions and express suffering and anguish with people you trust. The points of view of others can be helpful in analyzing what is happening objectively and in finding new approaches or solutions.
• Take advantage of this emotional reaction to get to know yourself better and detect your own needs.
• Faced with a problem of pathological jealousy, the help of a professional psychologist, specialized in.

What you should know ...

• Sporadic or in moderate doses, jealousy usually leads to caring and valuing the relationship that one has.
• Pathological jealousy can be considered when it causes suffering in the person who possesses it, recurring thoughts and behavior that is quite directed by that feeling.
• You have to try to be objective, avoid blaming the other, express your anguish with trusted people ... In case of pathological jealousy, it may be necessary to go to couples therapy.

Elena Killed

Specialist in Clinical Psychology