Marital therapy: assertiveness to live happily as a couple

What are the keys to establishing a positive relationship with your partner?

On certain occasions, some couples who initially seemed to get along and understand each other in most situations, can become, with the passage of time, a nucleus full of conflicts and constant arguments.. 

In some cases, these expressed differences are insurmountable, but in a considerable percentage the origin of the issue may be derived from a lack of interpersonal or social skills.

One of the components that make up the psychological interventions based on Social Skills Training and one of the most used in cognitive-behavioral Marital Therapies is the Learning of Assertive Behavior.

The role of assertiveness

Within the field of psychological intervention, the terms assertive behavior and social skills-based behavior can be understood as analogous.

Thus, assertive behavior is defined as a skill that allows a person to express and communicate freely, assertive behavior is defined as an ability that allows a person to express and communicate freely, to have an active orientation and attitude in life, and to act valuing actions in a respectful way.to have an active orientation and attitude in life and to act valuing actions in a respectable way (Fensterheim and Baer, 2008). Méndez, Olivares and Ros (2008), propose the following classification of social skills based on the list of previous behaviors: opinions, feelings, requests, conversations and rights. It is also important to train in non-verbal aspects such as the appropriateness of the tone of voice, eye contact, body and facial expression.

Assertiveness and self-esteem

Assertiveness maintains a close relationship with the concept of self-esteem, since everything an individual does is reflected in the idea he/she develops about him/herself (self-concept).

Therefore, a positive correlation can be established between these two phenomena: as the expression of assertiveness increases, so does the level of self-esteem, and vice versa. Numerous studies affirm that that an adequate level of self-esteem is fundamental to favor the establishment of satisfactory interpersonal relationships. relationships.

Assertive, non-assertive and aggressive behaviors

A relevant aspect that must be previously addressed about the concept of assertiveness is to determine the difference between assertive, non-assertive and aggressive behaviors. As opposed to the former:

• A non-assertive behavior is defined as an insecure behavior. where the person does not firmly defend his or her own ideas, which usually causes emotional discomfort and a negative self-appreciation when facing certain situations.

• Aggressive behavior refers to the expression of hostility and excessive general harshness as a form of psychological organization of the individual in such a way as to as a form of psychological organization of the individual in such a way as to intentionally cause Pain to others in order to achieve one's own goals.

What components include the most empirically supported interventions for marital problems?

At the level of conjugal psychological intervention, among the techniques that have most demonstrated their efficacy (based on studies carried out with population samples with deficits in interpersonal relationships) are Cognitive Therapy (CT) and Social Skills Training, whose central element is Assertiveness Training (Holpe, Hoyt and Heimberg, 1995). In fact, Chambless's 1998 studies show how cognitive-behavioral intervention is one of the empirically validated treatments for couples therapy..

For its part, Cognitive Therapy attempts to modify the negative cognitive schemas on which the subject's self-concept is based. Since this phenomenon has a positive and bidirectional correlation with the negativity expressed, the more one increases, the more the other increases. Thus, the ultimate goal of BT will be the modification of these pessimistic beliefs that guide the cognitive-behavioral dynamics that condition the person's habitual functioning.

In reference to Behavioral Therapy, the most effective and widespread intervention within the clinical context is the Social Skills Training, where the subject learns from the imitation of models appropriate and socially more adaptive behaviors..

Elements of this type of therapy

Fensterheim and Baer (2008) state that an Assertiveness Training program must include the following elements:

1. Plan for establishing objectives and goals to be achieved.

2. Emotional communication training.

3. Assertive behavior rehearsal in a safe context.

4. Behavioral exercises of assertive practice in a real context.

Once the initial analysis of the dynamics of the specific relationship, the problematic behaviors and the antecedents and consequences of these behaviors has been carried out, the first point to work on is the establishment of objectives and goals to be achieved in the intervention. From that moment on, the part more related to the learning of assertive behavior begins (elements 2, 3 and 4 above).

Marital interventions: what do they consist of?

A considerable number of problems in couple relationships are originated by learning deficits in individual development throughout the subject's life. The lack of acquisition of Social Skills during personal development makes these individuals unable to express in adult life what they have not integrated in the first years of life. The Behavioral Therapy approach defends the idea that people achieve intimacy because they have learned how to achieve it.

The achievement of intimacy is one of the ultimate goals in the treatment of marital problems.In this regard, Assertive Learning plays one of the main roles as an effective therapeutic strategy, as pointed out by Fensterheim and Baer (2008).

1. Enhancing intimacy

For the achievement of intimacy between the partners, the main therapeutic indications and basic milestones are oriented to:

1. Help each spouse identify specific behaviors needed to improve the overall marriage relationship.

2. Help modify these behaviors by replacing them with more adaptive ones.

3. Demonstrate to each partner that change in each of them is a necessary condition for generating change in the other partner.

4. To help in the development of verbal and non-verbal communication between the partners.

5. To help in the process of establishing feasible short-term objectives in the area of emotional communication.

On the other hand, the following observations should also be taken into account:

• The spouse should not be blamed for all problems.The failure of a couple's relationship is a shared responsibility.

• It is recommended not to abandon one's own identity.. In spite of the fact that both members form a matrimonial nucleus there are individual plots that are not totally shared.

• Related to the previous pointIt is important not to invade each other's space and to respect each other's privacy in certain aspects.

• An excess of independence can lead to a distancing between both partners. between both partners. The marital relationship is by nature reciprocal and of mutual interdependence, therefore, the conduct of one of the spouses irremediably affects the other and also the relationship itself.

2. Assertiveness Training

More concretely and according to Fensterheim and Baer (2008), the components most commonly addressed in Assertiveness Training within couple relationships correspond to the following:

• General plan of modification of problematic behaviorsGeneral plan of modification of problematic behaviors: whose purpose is the identification of behaviors that generate conflicts between spouses. It is essential to know which behaviors are disliked by each partner in order to be able to modify them and replace them with more adaptive ones.

• Marriage contractThe agreement based on a document from which both spouses commit themselves to its fulfillment and to exercise the consequences that can be derived.

• Assertive emotional communicationThe adoption of a new form of open and sincere communication where feelings and thoughts are expressed and shared. This point is essential to prevent the emergence of misunderstandings and subjective misinterpretations about situations that end up becoming conflictive. Likewise, we also work on some indications to learn a more adequate way of having a discussion with the other person, in which points of view can be brought closer and the conflict can be solved instead of aggravating it even more.

• Assertive decision-makingThis component aims to influence the perception of one of the partners that it is the other spouse who makes most of the decisions, so that he/she may feel excluded and despised. These indications are intended to re-negotiate and distribute in a more equitable and satisfactory way the percentage of decisions involving the marital nucleus.

3. The Behavioral Rehearsal Technique

This is the central technique of the Assertiveness Training, and its purpose is that the its purpose is that the person learns new behavioral skills, being very useful in the practice of assertiveness training.It is very useful in the practice of social situations. Specifically, it consists of reproducing a safe environment, such as the therapist's office (where it is possible to manipulate these scenes), in which we work on the person's natural everyday situations so that he/she can evaluate his/her problematic behaviors without suffering the negative consequences that could occur in their real context.

In addition, it is achieved that the person decreases the level of anxiety when performing a certain behavior. At first, the proposed representations are very scripted, then they are semi-directed and, finally, they are totally spontaneous and improvised.

4. Behavior Modification

Techniques based on operant conditioning were the first to be used in the field of behavior modification.. It is called operant or instrumental learning because the behavior is used as a means to obtain a desired consequence. The fundamental premise is the so-called Law of Effect proposed by Thorndike (one of the most important learning theorists), which states that if a behavior is followed by a positive effect, the probability of performing the behavior in the future will increase.

One of the main focuses of Assertive Behavior Training within the couple is the ability to ask for a change of behavior in the other partner. Thus, it is essential to pay attention to the behaviors that we want to strengthen/weaken in the other. For this purpose it is highly relevant to understand and take into account the procedures of Instrumental Conditioning.

More specifically, in the intervention in pairs, a new dynamic will be established in which desired and adaptive behaviors will be consistently rewarded with pleasant consequences so that they tend to be repeated in the future, while those considered unpleasant will be penalized in order to achieve their gradual elimination.

By way of conclusion

In the text it has been observed that the interventions proposed in the treatment of couple problems include both cognitive and behavioral components. Thus, the modification of underlying beliefs that motivate outwardly observable problem behaviors is a necessary prerequisite to be addressed by the is a necessary prerequisite to be addressed by both parties.

In the more behavioral part, the Theories of Instrumental Learning and Behavioral Rehearsal allow the acquisition and reinforcement of those adaptive behaviors that are more beneficial for the interrelationship between both members of the couple.

Bibliographical references:

• Baron, R. A. i Byrne, D. (2004) Psicología Social. Pearson: Madrid.
• Fertensheim, H. and Baer, J. (2008) Don't say yes when you want to say no. Debolsillo: Barcelona. Debolsillo: Barcelona.
• Labrador, F. J. (2008). Técnicas de modificación de conducta. Madrid: Pirámide.
• Olivares, J. and Méndez, F. X. (2008). Técnicas de modificación de conducta. Madrid: Biblioteca nueva.