Perfectionism in relationships: how it affects us and what to do about it.

Let's see how relationships can be damaged by too much perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a quality that many manifest, something that has its good things but also some bad things. This quality can have negative effects not only in the professional sphere, but also in the couple.

Being a person who wants everything to go well, everything to be perfect, can be a real headache for people with more conformist tastes, in the sense that they do not need to look for perfection in what is already good as it is.

Being in a relationship with a highly perfectionist person can be difficult, especially if there are conflicts resulting from the fact that one has very high expectations about the relationship that the other does not seem to meet. Let's address perfectionism in relationships and its implications.

Here's what perfectionism in relationships looks like.

Perfectionism is usually considered a positive trait, and it can be if it occurs in an adaptive and functional way. Being a good perfectionist, in the sense of wanting things to go very well, avoiding any possible failure and striving to make everything perfect, is desired by many and possessed by few. This does not mean that there are few perfectionists. There are many, but there are profiles that far from getting things right, what they get with their high demands and low tolerance for mistakes is frustration, conflicts and tensions.

Perfectionism can trap us, making us obsessed with doing everything possible to get something right, at the expense of our physical and mental health.. Those who strive to get the smallest and most unimportant detail right waste time and wear themselves out physically and psychologically. And it not only affects the individual, but also the people close to the perfectionist may end up fed up with their absurdly high standards and the fact that they are always telling them what they are doing wrong.

Perfectionism is especially harmful in relationships. This trait can lead to the paradoxical situation of making love life extremely frustrating and disappointing.It is a source of all kinds of conflicts and tensions. A person hardly wants to date someone who says he loves him but constantly reminds him that he is doing things wrong, that he is not following his "method" or that he has many flaws.

Different perfectionist profiles

Not all perfectionists are the same and, consequently, the way perfectionism manifests itself in relationships varies. Below we will talk about different types of perfectionists and their implications in human relationships.

1. Those who set unattainable goals

One of the profiles of a perfectionist by the book is the one who sets unattainable and unrealistic goals. These are people who set goals that they are unlikely to achieve, which will bring them a lot of frustration. In addition, they are individuals who do not accept their weaknesses and are very critical of themselves.

It is difficult for them to understand that we are all human, that nobody is perfect and therefore, they have defects that, no matter how hard they try, it is difficult for them to change. As they are still determined to change what cannot be changed, they feel a lot of emotional discomfort..

This profile does not necessarily imply harm to the couple's life, but it is difficult to be dating someone who is not able to see the positive in himself and who is constantly frustrated because he has very ambitious goals but does not achieve them.

Depression and anxiety are two frequent problems in this profile, in addition to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.in addition to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

2. Who wants social recognition

There is another perfectionist profile that is also very common. This is the one who wants others to like him, who wants to obtain a lot of social recognition. They want to be accepted and avoid criticism.. He does not take well to hear negative phrases about him or his actions.

People who present this type of perfectionism can incur in obsessive behaviors that bring them some kind of social benefit.. For example, if they want to be socially recognized for their physique, they will join a gym and spend hours and hours training. They will never feel satisfied with the exercise routine, and will try to increase the difficulty.

Whatever obsessive behavior they engage in, the fact that they do it means less time for them to spend as a couple. In addition, if their obsession involves investing a lot of energy, as in the case of the physical exercise we have just seen, this will mean that once they are with their partner, they will spend less time with their partner. will make them less inclined to do activities with their partner once they are with him or her, especially if they see them as something they can't do with their partner.Especially if he sees them as something that takes time away from improving that skill or characteristic that he believes will bring him some social recognition.

3. Other people's error detector

Finally, we have the perfectionist who sees the mistakes in others to satisfy his own demands. This is the person who believes that no one gets it right, only him. This is the profile that can bring the most social conflict because, as he sees others as people who do not know how to do things as they should, following because, as he sees others as people who do not know how to do things as they should, following his "method", he initiates conflict with anyone. This is the profile that can dynamite the couple's coexistence.

The other's error detector incessantly criticizes how others do things and does not tolerate other people's mistakes. In the work environment it is easy to recognize it in the figure of the boss who is never happy with your work or in the office colleague who considers that his colleagues are all incompetent. In the couple's sphere it would be the boyfriend or wife who tries to tell us, incessantly, how we have to do things to make things go well at home.

In relationships, perfectionists of this type are easily irritated. They do not tolerate "mistakes" (what they consider as such) and blame others using acid sarcasm, insults and shouting when describing the erratic behavior of the person they claim to love. As you might guess, this is a highly toxic attitude, damaging to the mental health and self-esteem of the other person and which sometimes incurs in mistreatment..

The person who is reprimanded by his or her perfectionist partner may respond in several ways. One of these is that he or she may not stand idly by, rebound and show feelings of anger and helplessness. If it is a person who needs the approval of others, it can give rise to constant arguments, as well as a loss of self-esteem if the person being reprimanded attributes superiority to the perfectionist or if there is emotional dependence of some kind.

How to handle this perfectionism without damaging the relationship?

Overcoming perfectionism in relationships is complex. To achieve this, the perfectionist person must first become aware of how this trait is limiting his or her happiness and conditions the relationship with his or her boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse. Getting rid of perfectionism is something that requires a long process of self-knowledge and reflection, and it is preferable to have professional help, especially from a couple psychologist.

The following two recommendations can help us to reflect on how perfectionism in our relationship may have been damaging our happiness in the relationship.

1. Analyze the effects of this trait on our partner.

In order to overcome this type of perfectionism, a good idea is to analyze what effects it is having on the couple. It may be that every time our partner does something, we think he/she has done it wrong, we tell him/her so and a conflict arises. It can also happen that, determined to do something in the most correct way (for example, cleaning the bathroom) we dedicate hours and hours to it while we put aside our sentimental life.

It can be many things. The point is that once identified and analyzed, when we do those problematic perfectionist behaviors again, we can stop and think about the moment, we can stop and think about the moment we do them and put a stop to them.. It is not easy, but this is better than not being aware of which perfectionist behaviors affect our relationship.

2. Reflect on what perfectionism brings to our partner.

As we have already mentioned, being a perfectionist does not have to be a bad thing. Wanting things to go well and striving for that is not a bad thing in itself, quite the contrary. On the contrary, it is when this becomes an obsession and a relational and mental health problem that we can see that it has become detrimental..

One of the ways to see if our perfectionism is problematic for our partner is to see what it brings to our relationship, and also what it takes away from it. Sometimes, when we focus on one purpose excessively, we don't realize how much time we're wasting doing that while we're not spending it with our partner..... Others are the amount of conflict that comes from wanting things done right, instead of the satisfaction of having everything perfect.

Whatever the specific consequence may be, the point is that if our perfectionism means more disadvantages than advantages for our partner, we are facing a problem to which we should find a solution. Having made this reflection, it would be advisable to go to psychotherapy both individual and couple and try to overcome the problem with a professional.