Punishment yes or no

Punishment is not a matter for anyone's taste: neither for parents nor for children. I think it is better to speak of "setting limits". Boundaries and rules are necessary for the proper functioning of the family. The limits must be clear, coherent and firm, with coherence between the parents.

The acceptance and understanding of the rules by the little ones makes them more sociable people; therefore, boundaries are an important part of the educational process. The acquisition of norms and the redirection of behavior in the child must always be done from love.

Educating and caring for children is the main function of parents, always, of course, from love. Education aims to form an autonomous, critical and sociable person who develops their abilities, knows how to live in society and is happy and capable of giving happiness to others.

Violence is not necessary to educate

As is well known by all: "violence generates violence." By this I do not mean that children should pass everything, but that we must redirect their behavior without using violent methods. If the child lives submerged in a family environment where everything is resolved or imposed in an aggressive way: shouting, insults, slaps ... he will acquire this model and this way of acting to resolve the conflictive situations that he will encounter in his daily life. When aggression becomes something constant in family relationships, feelings of anger are generated in the child, he represses the behavior in front of the person who punishes him but cannot control his aggressiveness in other situations.

We should not yell at them to tell them not to yell. Therefore, physical or verbal violence is not the most appropriate way to redirect the child's behavior. Physical punishment does not allow reasoning or dialogue between parents and children, it does not teach the child to be critical, independent or autonomous; it only transmits to him that things must be done out of fear of being beaten, out of blind obedience and absolute submission.

Physical punishment denotes little self-control on the part of the parents. The parents release the tension but demonstrate in front of the child their lack of control to teach him to behave appropriately with other more positive strategies. Physical violence generates negative feelings in the child: anger, revenge, frustration and helplessness. Furthermore, it does not teach alternative behaviors or resources to the child; The slap tells the child to stop what he was doing, for example yelling, but it does not teach him to be attentive, to ask for forgiveness, or to fix things.

How to apply punishment

Punishment may be necessary at some point but it must be used in a rational way and to change the child's behavior. It should not be applied with shouting and insults, or humiliating the child, because this manifests a vindictive and negative behavior on the part of the adult that can be copied by the child; The purpose of punishment is to make the child reflect on what he has done wrong and to improve his behavior. Punishment should be used to improve the child's behavior. Parents should not apply more or less punishments depending on how tired they are or the level of tolerance and patience that one has that day.

Before applying a punishment, the child must be clearly informed of the consequences of misbehavior (for example: "if you throw toys on the balcony, I'll turn off the TV"). If the child exceeds the limit verbalized by his parents, the punishment or the suppression of one of the privileges of the day (remove the toys until the child calms down, put him in a thinking corner until he stops screaming, do not play with his brothers until it stops hitting…) should be done immediately and without delay. When the child reflects on what has happened and changes his behavior, he should always be recognized and praised to reinforce positive behaviors.

Punishments should not be eternal or delayed for a few days. For example, it is useless to tell the child that he is not going to go to the park for a week or that we are going to throw all his toys in the trash.

What is not valid is to be threatening all day or not to comply with the threats that are verbalized to the child. With this, parents lose all credibility.

You always have to give the child the possibility to fix things: to ask for forgiveness or change his attitude. If this happens, the child should be congratulated and told how well he has done.

Dialogue as the basis of family relationships

Families must always dialogue, parents and children must speak and be heard. This is an exercise that should be practiced since children are small, but, how can we expect them to talk to us in adolescence if we have never had a dialogue with them? The bases of the dialogue can be summarized in:

• Apply rules based on reasoning between different members of the family
• Rules should be explained to children and they should understand them
• Parents and children must comply with the rules and change behaviors if appropriate
• In making decisions, the opinion of the children must be taken into account
• The norms help the family to organize itself better and reinforce the family unit
• Parents have the last word because they have an educating and protective role over their children
• Children must know in advance the consequences of their actions so that they can be held accountable for their actions

The obedience

Obedience is an attitude of responsibility where the child collaborates and understands the norms or rules that must be met for a happy coexistence. Obedience in the child must be worked through self-control and teaching resources to regulate behavior. The child learns to be obedient because it pleases the adult, because it satisfies him to be obedient and because the why of things has been explained to him. One of the things that most helps to promote obedience is to say clearly and simply what are the obligations and duties of the child, have clear rules at home and congratulate the child whenever he obeys or does what he has to do.