Relational amnesia: characteristics, causes and how it affects couples.

Let's see what is relational amnesia, a phenomenon that generates discomfort in love relationships.

"I didn't tell you that!", "Are you sure we were together?", "I don't remember when it was..." and other phrases are sometimes said by husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends who tell their better half that they don't remember very well something they were supposed to have experienced together.

The other person may feel annoyed by the fact that the person with whom they are sharing their life does not remember an experience that was very meaningful to them, such as celebrating their anniversary, going to a fancy restaurant or listening to a concert together.

How is it possible for a person to forget something so important to their relationship? This seemingly counter-intuitive type of forgetting has been called relational amnesia.a phenomenon in which we are going to deepen next.

What is relational amnesia?

We can define relational amnesia as the systematic forgetfulness of details and moments, both daily and special, that are significant for one of the people who form the couple.. One of the partners forgets shared experiences or unconsciously distorts them, to the point that what he or she remembers differs greatly from what his or her partner remembers. As a result of this dynamic of forgetfulness, misunderstandings, tensions and conflicts arise in the relationship.

This amnesia goes beyond forgetting the partner's anniversary or the other's birthday. It is about forgetting very important moments for the other person, very special experiences that marked important moments for the relationship, such as a reconciliation dinner, going to a concert together or going on an excursion. How is this possible? Why is someone capable of forgetting experiences that he himself has lived and that are supposed to be important?

One of the first answers we could give to explain this phenomenon is quite simple: everyone processes their memories in their own way. What may be transcendental and tremendously significant to one person, engraved in his mind, may seem to the other person to be just another experience, whether it is everyday or unusual.Whether everyday or unusual, but ultimately something that is likely to be forgotten. This does not mean that one loves one's partner any less. Everyone has magical moments in their memory, but everyone has their own, and most of them may coincide between the members of the relationship.

However, although relational amnesia is relatively common and does not necessarily indicate a problem, it can happen that the one who remembers things better may blame the other for not remembering the most important moments of the relationship. There is always one partner who keeps every moment in his or her memory, while the other is more limited to living in the present. This can lead to arguments and even disappointments that can cause multiple problems for the couple.

Characteristics of this psychological phenomenon

As we were saying, relational amnesia is not something to worry about in principle. This type of amnesia does not constitute a clinical entityRather, it is a normal phenomenon in which one person forgets some detail related to his or her relationship, but important enough for the other person to be bothered by this forgetfulness. There is no cognitive deficit, but the fact that one remembers in a different way what is important to the other can lead to disagreements and arguments from time to time.

What is remarkable about relational amnesia is that in the situations involved, there is always someone who remembers practically everything and the one who remembers almost nothing.. The person who remembers things, as we have already mentioned, reproaches the one who forgets for neglecting things that are important to the history of the relationship. On the other hand, the forgetful person may reproach the person who remembers things better by telling him/her that he/she has an obsession to remember every detail of what he/she has experienced and that he/she uses it to reproach him/her for his/her poor memory.

This situation, if not managed in a mature and reflective way, can create an environment of constant reproaches and criticisms that will be a breeding ground for relationship problems. It is common to feel disappointment and frustration It is common to feel that the person you love does not seem to pay attention to the moments you share and does not seem to make an effort to remember important aspects of the relationship. However, it is worth reflecting on what can cause a person to manifest this common type of amnesia.

Causes

There are several causes that can explain why a person often falls into relational amnesia. Since this type of amnesia can bring negative consequences for the relationship, especially if it occurs very frequently and in an extreme form, it is important to be aware of them. When dating a person who seems to be a born forgetful person, it may be that there is a cognitive deficit, but it could also be that the person is inattentive in his or her bond. it could also be the case that the person is paying little attention in their emotional bonding..

But there may also be a problem on the part of the person who remembers absolutely everything. This partner may always need to be right and act as if his or her truth is the only truth, the only reliable account of the history of the two lovers and their shared experiences. This type of behavior could be the tip of the iceberg of an overly neurotic and obsessive personality, a factor that can contribute to increased levels of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But in addition to these two possible causes just mentioned, there are several reasons that could explain the occurrence of relational amnesia.

1. Two people, two different points of view

Living as a couple does not mean ceasing to be an individual.. Couples are what they are, two people who share a common life, but who may have different accounts of the events they have lived. Being a couple does not mean seeing, feeling, processing and remembering the same things with the same details and the same degree of intensity.

This is not indicative of loving one's partner any less. It is not necessarily a bad thing. It is simply that each member of the relationship remembers things in his or her own way, has his or her own account of what happened, his or her own way of understanding and seeing things. One pays more attention to some things and the other to others.

So, forgetfulness such as not remembering an anniversary or not knowing if it was last month when you went to a fancy restaurant is not really such a big deal. What matters is the experience itself, the actions and the good intentions.the actions and the good intentions. Here the affection is sincere.

2. Lack of interest

Other times it happens that in reality the relational amnesia is the product of a lack of interest. Here it happens that the person who forgets does it because he or she does not pay attention to his or her relationship with the person he or she is supposed to love and no longer shows interest in the partner..

3. Passive-aggressive personality

We cannot talk about relational amnesia without mentioning one of the most toxic dynamics associated with this phenomenon. There are people whose personality could be said to be passive-aggressive that often hide behind oblivion to manipulate and harm the person they claim to love..

Behind this profile can be found some very narcissistic traits and, also, a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. This type of person may use denial, saying that they do not remember something to invalidate the other person, avoid responsibility or manipulate and hurt them. They can even resort to gaslighting strategies, pretending to alter the memory of the person who best remembers what happened.

4. Relationship not present

In other cases this amnesia appears as a result of routine in the relationship, established especially in the not present relationships. The partners, in spite of sharing the same space in the same time of their lives, are emotionally far away from each other.Both because they have lost interest in each other and because monotony has dimmed the flame of love.

When two people live experiences together for the mere reason of having to spend time together, having their minds elsewhere, it is easy for them to forget or for their memories of them to be distorted. After all, emotions are a fundamental aspect in the creation of memories and if one does not live a romantic dinner, an anniversary or a special event in an emotionally appropriate way, it is likely to end up being forgotten.

Conclusions

Relational amnesia is not a clinical problem. It is a relatively common occurrence, the result of people in a couple not processing memories in the same way. Everyone is different and, even when you are with the person you love the most and who is supposed to understand you best, you may remember things with a different degree of emotional intensity and detail. This is, in principle, a mere phenomenon that evidences individual differences even between people in a romantic relationship..

At other times, however, it may be indicative of problems in the relationship, which will lead to other, more serious problems. If forgetfulness is systematic and is due to disinterest, lack of commitment or even used as a strategy to manipulate the other person, the relationship will be damaged over time. And the person who remembers things better may make of his or her better memory a sign of superiority, berating the other person for not remembering what happened as well as he or she does and giving rise to toxic dynamics.

We must understand that whenever two people meet, there will be two different perspectives and memories of the same experience.. Being a couple does not mean living everything in the same way, but sharing moments that may awaken different desires, emotions and beliefs, but which need not clash head-on with those of the other person. What matters is that both are willing to understand each other, sharing their vision of things and committing to respect each other.