Sexual self-esteem: what it is, how it affects us, and how to improve it.

Sexual self-esteem influences us psychologically beyond sex and relationships.

Self-esteem affects absolutely all aspects of life, so it is not surprising that it also influences the sexual realm. In fact, we could say that there is such a thing as sexual self-esteem, a feeling of how much one values oneself when it comes to sexual relations.

Sexual self-esteem is not only a matter of couple relationships, but also has an influence on how much pleasure one gives oneself.. Depending on how well or how badly we perceive ourselves in sexual matters, we will enjoy more or less everything that is related to it.

We will now go a little deeper into sexual self-esteem, discovering how it can be evaluated and what we can do to improve it.

What is sexual self-esteem?

Sexual self-esteem can be understood as the valuation we have of ourselves with respect to different sexual mattersHow we behave sexually, how comfortable we feel with our body, how we are for other people, how deserving we feel of sexual pleasure...

It refers to security and confidence in sexual intimacy, having much to do with well-being and self-esteem in terms of sexual performance and perception. It is one of the necessary conditions to feel safe and enjoy having sex.

When we feel secure in our intimate relationships, we are more likely to experience them with total freedom, something that will benefit both our pleasure and our pleasure.This will benefit both our pleasure and that of the person we have sex with. That is what sexual self-esteem is all about: feeling comfortable with our body and the experiences we live through it in a sexual and psycho-affective field.

Sexual self-esteem and insecurity in sex.

Insecurity in sex is something relatively common, especially in new experiences.. It is normal to feel some insecurity in certain situations that have to do with sex and that we perceive that we do not have much previous experience, such as introducing a new practice, having a new sexual partner or using a new erotic toy.

When the sexual situation is new, we are more likely to have thoughts in our mind that play tricks on us. For example, we may come to think that we do not have the necessary experience to perform sexually in a particular scenario or that we would like to know more about the other person or ourselves to give us more pleasure. It is precisely in these situations where the level of sexual self-esteem is most demonstrated. The lower the level of self-esteem, the more fear and dread of the new in the sexual arena..

Another very important issue that can show a very low sexual self-esteem is insecurity related to physical appearance. Preferring the light off while having sex, not taking off clothes or not changing position may be indicators that the person does not feel very comfortable with his body and does not want to show it, fearing that if his sexual partner sees it, he will lose the desire to continue having sex.

How do we know if we have low sexual self-esteem?

Everyone has, to a greater or lesser extent, some sexual self-esteem.. It is something present in all human beings, but it manifests itself at different levels. Some people have more sexual self-esteem and others have less.

People with lower sexual self-esteem may be victims of a negative belief system about their performance. a negative belief system about their sexual performanceThis manifests itself in the form of multiple bad thoughts that sabotage them when they try to enjoy the affective-sexual plane.

Among the thoughts of people with low sexual self-esteem we find phrases such as the following, which may be indicators of precisely this problem.

• "I'm not good enough in bed."
• "I'm sure he won't want to date again after this".
• "He's going to realize that I'm not enjoying myself."
• "He's going to think this is his fault and he's going to leave me."
• "I'm not attractive enough for him to desire me."

It is possible to find out more or less exactly how our sexual self-esteem is. There are tools that help us to evaluate this construct, such as the one proposed by a study in "The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality".. It consists of a 15-question test that scores from 1 to 5, with 1 being equivalent to "I do not agree at all" and 5 being "I totally agree".

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• I consider that I am good in my sexual relationships.
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• I think my sexual skills are really good.
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• I express myself freely in my sexual relationships.
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• I am confident with my partner.
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• I feel comfortable sexually.
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• At the moment, I feel good sexually.
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• I do not consider myself to be a very good sex person.
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• My sex life is at rock bottom.
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• I am disappointed with my sex life.
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• I am not happy with my sex life.
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• I keep thinking about sex.
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• I worry about sex most of the time.
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• Actually, I think more about sex than other issues.
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• I think a lot about having sex.
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• At the moment, sexual issues flood my mind all the time.

Once each item is rated, we can see how our sexual self-esteem and other related aspects are doing. Specifically, it is the first six questions that assess how our sexual self-esteem is doing. and, if we have rated them with high scores, it means that we have good self-esteem. If, on the other hand, we have rated them with low scores, it means that we have low sexual self-esteem and we should make an effort to try to improve it.

Items seven to ten have to do with sexual depression. Low scores on these questions mean that there is no sexual depression, while high scores mean that there is and we should pay attention to how we feel. Questions eleven through fifteen have to do with obsession with sex, and the higher the score, the more obsession we have.

• You may be interested in "What is sexual identity?"

How to improve our sexual self-esteem?

Fortunately, whether there is low self-esteem, depression or obsession with everything related to sex, there is a solution to these problems. A series of guidelines can be followed to improve our self-esteem in the affective-sexual plane and, consequently, our enjoyment of sex.

1. Value yourself more

The basis of a high self-esteem is to value yourself more. Surely there are many positive things you have that you do not realize..... We are not talking only in the sexual area, but in all other areas. With each small step that you take valuing yourself, a small advance towards a greater self-esteem that will also have repercussions in the sexual aspect.

2. Learn and experiment with your body

Better sexual self-esteem comes from nurturing it with knowledge. Read, inform yourself and learn as much as you can about sexuality. Use what you learn by experimenting with your body.. Learning to know yourself helps us to explore and know better what we like and how when it comes to sex.

3. Don't compare yourself with others

Comparisons can be hateful, especially in the sexual arena. As with everything in life, each person is different when it comes to sexuality. Comparing ourselves with others will only burden us, frustrating us and making us think that we will never be good in bed. It is not a competitionIt's not about competition, it's about having fun. Everyone has their own tastes and their own way of enjoying sex, knowing what they are is the important thing, not if they are better or worse than others.

4. Dare to practice new things

Shame is not an ally in matters of bed. Try to put it aside and don't be afraid of what others will think. If you feel like making a wish come true or practicing a new sexual stimulation technique, do it! If you want to do it with your partner, remember that before anything else you should tell him/her about it to see if he/she agrees and that he/she won't get an unpleasant surprise.

5. Learn to say "no" to what you don't like.

If we do more things that make us feel good, we should also learn to stop doing things we don't like. If there is some proposal from our partner that we don't like or makes us feel uncomfortable in bed, we should say "no" with assertiveness. This applies not only to sexual matters, but also to any aspect of life.

6. Seek professional help

Having low sexual self-esteem is related to having a lack of self-esteem in general, something that may be indicative of a deeper problem that permeates all aspects of our lives, not just the intimate. For this reason, it is it is essential to seek professional help, especially a psychologist or a sexologist to help us overcome our insecurities and fears.