Signs of emotional abuse or gaslighting

The term gaslighting comes from the title of a 1944 classic Hollywood movie, "Gaslight," in which Ingrid Bergman is harassed by her husband, who tries to make her believe that she is crazy. Manipulate your environment to make her believe that she is losing her faculties, while he stands as her main protector and defender, when what he really wants is to subdue her. Have you ever met someone like that?

What is emotional abuse?

Gaslighting is a way of emotional abuse in which an attempt is made to confuse the victim by handling the information, so that they come to doubt their own perception of things, actions or thoughts, and even consider their own sanity. The abuser (or “gaslighter”) tries to put the victim at his mercy eroding your confidence and sense of reality.

How do you know if you are a victim of emotional abuse?

The peculiarity of this type of abuse is that there is no physical violence. In fact, the stalker is often particularly careful and forthcoming in order to gain the victim's trust.

• I know question what he thinks or what you do all the time.
• It feels confused and disoriented. Powerlessness from not remembering details.
• She is nervous and uncomfortable when she meets the stalker and does not know exactly why.
• She criticizes herself for exaggerating the situation, for being too sensitive.
• Apologizes constantly.
• Is unable to make decisions. He does not trust his own judgment, so he chooses to believe that of the accuser.
• Excuse the accuser if someone close to you criticizes or questions you.
• Feeling of helplessness. You try to live up to the expectations of the other, but you never succeed. It feels despised.
• Fear of expressing their own emotions, so they tend to be silent.
• You feel guilty for not being happy as before and for causing concern to the bully.
• You think you are irreversibly losing your mind.

How does the abuser act?

This type of aggressor is shown as a close and charming person with the victim whom he usually praises and makes him believe that the only person who understands and cares for him is the aggressor himself. The abuser often resorts to lies and denies things he has said or done, even though there is evidence to maintain his role. Sometimes it may tend to attack the things the victim appreciates and downplay their feelings. Manipulation doesn't happen overnight. There are certain phases to weaken the victim:

• Distrust: In this initial phase, the victim still believes in their own perception and beliefs, and although they would like to have the approval of the abuser, it does not create an imbalance between the parties.
• Defending: the victim begins to feel that he must protect himself and confronts the harasser trying to justify that he is wrong, resists and tries to refute him. In this phase the discussions are perpetuated without reaching conclusions. The need for approval increases.
• Depression: the self-esteem and autonomy of the victim in this phase is already greatly affected. He begins to doubt everything and is afraid of making a mistake for fear of criticism. You try to justify that the abuser is right, thinking that this way you will get your love and approval. You feel sunken and disconnected.

Tips to combat it

• Pay attention to the red flags. It is important catch the problem in time.
• Trust your own criteria, your values ​​and your beliefs.
• Put context: you can not lose your head only when we are with a specific person and function well with the rest.
• Keep your decisionsDon't change your mind just because someone tells you.
• Respect your emotions: no one can tell you how to feel. Do not judge yourself from the other's perspective, but from your own parameters.
• Cultivate your.
• Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, not bad. Communicate.
• Create your own spaces. Spend time on your evolution and your personal growth.
• Don't wait for the stalker's approval. Do not try to reach agreements or have your position recognized when there is manipulation involved, it is a losing battle.
• Question the need to keep the bully in your life. Look for alternatives.

• The peculiarity of this type of abuse is that there is no physical violence. In fact, the stalker is often particularly careful and forthcoming in order to gain the victim's trust.
• The abuser (or "gaslighter") tries to put the victim at his mercy, damaging his confidence and sense of reality.
• Manipulation doesn't happen overnight. There are certain phases to weaken the victim: distrust, defense and depression.

Specialist in Clinical Psychology