Talking to our children about sexuality: how and when?

Educating children on this subject is essential for them to get to know each other better and learn how to relate to others.

One of the most important tasks is to educate our children on a subject that is not always easy to talk about: sexuality.

This week, the Child Psychology team of the Instituto de Asistencia Psicológica y Psiquiátrica Mensalus talks to us about the importance of talking about sexuality with our children and recommends educational material of interest.

How can we start talking to our children about issues related to sexuality?

Educational moments happen every day. In fact, these are the ones that help to naturally start the conversation. It is common to plan "the conversation" in order to talk about everything important at once. Usually this talk is awkward and contrived. Parents end up frustrated at not knowing how to approach the child and, in those cases where a good connection has not been established, they feel they have missed "the opportunity" to offer important information.

In reality, there are many moments to talk about sexuality; daily life is full of them. For this reason, talking to children about sexuality is a conversation that continues over time; it is a topic that is too necessary in their lives to be reduced to small talk.

At what age can we start talking about sexuality?

Conversations about sexuality arise from questions they ask spontaneously (after hearing a comment in class, seeing a TV commercial, observing a couple on the street, etc.). It is important to start talking to our children at a very young age. They are curious about their bodies, they ask about the differences between men and women, between them and adults, between the different types of relationships, etc.

Curiosity gives us an opportunity to start a constructive dialogue. This information will help the child to develop a healthy vision of his or her sexuality and that of others, which will allow him or her to care for and respect it, two basic ingredients for the promotion of self-esteem.

On the other hand, we must not forget that children are ready to receive information according to their vital moment. That said, when we talk to our children about sex, the first basic point is to adapt the conversation to their age.

Overcoming taboos

In general, are today's parents afraid to talk about sexuality with their children?

The legacy of past generations in which sexuality was a taboo subject still takes center stage today. Parents are aware of the need to provide information that they did not receive, it is true, but there is a fear of not doing it well and harming the child. Doubts related to: "maybe he doesn't have to know about all this yet" reinforce the taboo.

One place where we talk about all this is in parenting groups/schools. On repeated occasions, participants express fear of conveying the wrong idea about what sex is and how it is experienced. The fear that the information will generate some kind of problem in their psychoemotional development leads them to avoid it.

Well, the answer is the same again. Perhaps it is time to ask ourselves what the child needs (we as parents know this), leaving fear aside. There is no worse information than that which creates fear and rejection (remember the legacy of past generations). When this happens, the result is a negative experience around sex and, consequently, the direct affectation of self-esteem.

What kind of didactic material can help parents?

From the child psychology office we have bibliography and games that are of great help in this psychoeducational task.

Today we would like to share two titles. The first one is a video called "Our Body". This animated short is recommended for children 3 years and older and explains the body differences between sexes.

You can watch the video below:

The second is a book entitled "Tell me all about it: 101 questions asked by children on an exciting topic" by Katharina Von Der Gathen. This sex educator took from an anonymous mailbox the handwritten notes with the questions asked by some third and fourth grade students who attended her talks on the body, love and sexuality. In the book the most outstanding ones are collected and answered. The result is really interesting.

What message would you like to convey to all parents reading this interview?

From Child Psychology we insist on the importance of living naturally one's own body and sexuality to help the child to integrate the changes of each stage from acceptance. Likewise, answering doubts about such a vital topic offers the necessary security to live and respect their body (something that, later on, will be transferred to other vital contexts).

It is necessary to provide truthful, useful and concrete information (sometimes we err on the side of using too many abstract concepts), information that, at the same time, transmits our values about sexuality. As we mentioned before, all of this will facilitate responsible sexual decision-making.

We also remember the importance of actively listening to the questions and explanations that the children ask (sometimes it can be tempting to interrupt their speech to correct or slow down). In this way we will show them interest, generate feedback that will lead to new conversations and help them to explain their ideas and build a coherent discourse. Again, their self-esteem will be boosted as they realize that their voice matters.

Recommended material:

• Book: "Tell me everything: 101 questions asked by children about an exciting topic" by Katharina Von Der Gathen. You can buy it at this link.