The 5 psychological elements that keep a toxic relationship alive

These are the psychological elements that make it difficult for us to get out of toxic relationships.

If the very name of toxic relationships already indicates that they are not only unsatisfactory relationships, but also harmful, why are they so common and why can they last so long?

The truth is that beyond what may seem common sense, once you are in one of these dynamics of frequent dealings with someone with whom we have an emotional bond, to "wipe the slate clean" is often complicated.

When it comes down to it, human beings tend not to manage our social life from pure rationality and a medium and long term vision, and while that is not necessarily bad in all situations, it predisposes us to nurture friendships, courtships and marriages that do us no good.

So... What are the psychological elements that lead us to keep a toxic relationship alive and make us "trapped" in it? Let's see it.

What is a toxic relationship?

The term "toxic relationship" is used to refer to relatively stable social interaction dynamics that involve an affective component, and that generate a lot of discomfort in one or both of the people involved. In other words, it is a concept that can encompass a wide variety of relationships in which, despite the existence of an emotional bond that leads to seeking the presence of the other person, in the medium and long term this fact turns out to be a very unpleasant experience, in the medium and long term this fact is psychologically negative..

Thus, toxic relationships can occur in the context of couple relationships as well as in family and friendship relationships. However, in cases where the damage is more extreme and in certain key moments there is the intention to cause harm (physical or psychological) to the other person, we do not speak of toxic relationships but of abuse, whether unidirectional or bidirectional.

What keeps a toxic relationship alive?

These are the aspects that predispose us to stay within toxic relationships, making their influence in our lives and in our identity more and more consolidated. They do not have to occur all at the same time in all cases.

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation that consists of intentionally denying reality. consists of intentionally denying reality in an attempt to make the victim question his or her own mental health and ability to perceive things..

For example, it is embodied in a friend who flatly and repeatedly denies having said anything to the victim (when in fact he did say it), or in a husband who claims that a few days ago an objective event occurred that both he and his wife saw and that in fact never took place, or even in someone who insinuates that her boyfriend suffers from dementia because she has seen clear signs of infidelity on his part.

At the same time that gaslighting produces emotional pain, this drain on the victim's self-esteem makes her feel more unprotected in the eyes of the world, which makes the option of breaking off that relationship (and therefore losing the supposed support that person offers) intimidating.

On the other hand, gaslighting makes it easy to move from a toxic relationship to a clearly abusive dynamic, and can even leave after-effects.and can even leave after-effects.

2. Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail consists of making a person feel guilty for not offering psychological or material support to someone who does not really need it, or at least not as much as he or she lets it be perceived.or at least not as much as he or she lets on. In other words, the entire burden of the relationship is placed on the shoulders of one of the people involved, making him or her feel bad for the simple fact of considering cutting off the relationship or at least radically changing this dynamic to promote a more equitable and fairer bond.

Thus, emotional blackmail leads many people subject to toxic relationships to continue with that harmful dynamic because otherwise they would feel bad about themselves, having internalized the belief that the other person needs everything to keep going that way and could not adapt to another situation.

3. Social pressure

Social pressure leads many people to not dare to break up with a toxic relationship for fear of disappointing their friends and/or family.. Culturally, there is a certain tendency to want affectionate or loving relationships to take the form of a union of coexistence or daily dealings that will last forever as long as these people live, especially in the case of courtship and marriage.

Similarly, the stigmatization of single people also plays an important role in the case of relationships.

4. Delusional thinking linked to the desire to "change" the other person.

Wishful thinking is what is known as "wishful thinking", and consists of confusing one's own desires with indications that the hypothetical future we want to reach has a good chance of happening. In the case at hand, delusional thinking keeps toxic relationships afloat, leading people to think that the other is changing for the better or is about to do so. by leading people to think that the other person is changing for the better or is about to change for the better.So if you have a little patience, that relationship will stop being harmful.

5. The expectation of economic dependence

The fact of perceiving that one does not have the capacity to maintain an independent life due to economic reasons also The perception that one does not have the ability to maintain an independent life for economic reasons also makes many people feel compelled to continue to reproduce all the actions necessary to maintain a toxic relationship with the one who offers them money, care, care, attention and support. with the one who offers them money, care, a roof over their head...

Looking for professional psychological support?

If you want to have professional psychological assistance, either in individualized psychotherapy or in family or couple therapy, please contact us.

At Avance Psychologists We have been treating patients for more than two decades, and we offer our services to people of all ages. You can find us in our center located in Madrid (in the neighborhood of Goya) or you can opt for online therapy by video call.