The 5 stages of grief (when a family member dies)

When we lose a loved one, we may go through these stages of emotional grief.

The loss of a loved one is one of the most psychologically painful experiences. However, within this kind of painful experiences there are nuances, different ways of experiencing grief both emotionally and cognitively.

This idea was developed by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her theory of the 5 stages of grief, published in 1969 in the book "On death and dying". This idea serves to better understand how people in the grieving phase feel and how they tend to act.

The model of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist born in 1926 who specialized in palliative care and near-death situations. and near-death situations. After working for years in contact with terminally ill patients, she developed the famous Kübler-Ross model in which she establishes 5 stages of grief.

Although the name of this theory may seem to indicate otherwise, Kübler-Ross did not come to the conclusion that after the death of a loved one, one goes through five stages that always follow one another in order, sequentially.

What this researcher did was, rather, to define five mental states that act as a reference to understand how the evolution of the mourner takes place, from the moment in which he or she knows that his or her loved one has died until he or she accepts this new situation.

This means that not all people in the mourning phase have to go through the 5 stagesand that those who do go through them do not always appear in the same order. However, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross considered that these stages were useful as a system of categories to conceptualize in a relatively simple way all the nuances of how grief is managed, a phase that in some cases is expressed through emotional lability.

The 5 stages of grief

In summary, the 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one are described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross as follows.

1. Stage of denial

The fact of denying the reality that someone is no longer with us because he or she has died allows us to cushion the blow and postpone some of the Pain that this news causes us. Although it may seem an unrealistic option, it is useful for our organism, since it helps the change of mood not to be so abrupt that it damages us.

The denial can be explicit or non-explicit, that is, although we express ourselves verbally accepting the information that the loved one has died, in practice we behave as if this were a transitory fiction, that is, a role that we have to play without believing it completely.

In other cases, the denial is explicit, and the possibility that the death has occurred is directly denied.

The denial cannot be sustained indefinitely, because it clashes with the reality that the death occurred.The denial cannot be sustained indefinitely, because it clashes with the reality that has not yet been fully accepted, so we end up abandoning this stage.

2. Anger stage

The anger and resentment that appear in this stage are the result of the frustration that comes from knowing that death has occurred and that nothing can be done to fix or reverse the situation.

Grief produces a deep sadness that we know cannot be alleviated by acting on its cause, because death is not reversible. Moreover, death is perceived as the result of a decision, death is perceived as the result of a decision, and that is why we look for culprits.. Thus, in this phase of the crisis what dominates is the disruption, the clash of two ideas (that life is desirable and that death is inevitable) with a very strong emotional charge, so it is easy to have outbursts of anger.

Thus, a strong sense of anger appears and is projected in all directions, as neither a solution can be found nor someone who can be held completely responsible for the death.

Even if a part of us knows that it is unjust, the anger is directed against people who are not to blame for anything, or even against animals and objects.

3. Negotiation stage

At this stage we try to create a fiction that allows us to see death as a possibility that we are in a position to prevent from happening. In a way, it offers the fantasy of being in control of the situation..

In negotiation, which may occur before death occurs or after death, we fantasize about the idea of reversing the process and seek strategies to make that possible. For example, it is common to try to negotiate with divine or supernatural entities to stop death from occurring in exchange for changing one's lifestyle and "reforming".

Similarly, pain is relieved by imagining that we have gone back in time and that no life is in danger. But this stage is brief because it does not fit with reality either, and it is also exhausting to keep thinking about solutions all the time.

4. Stage of depression

In the stage of depression (which is not itself the type of depression that is considered a mental disorder, but a set of similar symptoms), we stop fantasizing about parallel realities and return to the present with a deep sense of emptiness because the loved one is no longer there. because the loved one is no longer there.

Here appears a strong sadness that cannot be mitigated by excuses or imagination, and that leads us to enter into an existential crisis when considering the irreversibility of death and the lack of incentives to continue living in a reality in which the loved one is not there. In other words, not only do we have to learn to accept that the other person is gone, but we also have to start living in a reality that is defined by that absence.

At this stage it is normal for us to isolate ourselves more and feel more tired, unable to conceive the idea that we are going to get out of this state of sadness and melancholy.

5. Acceptance Stage

It is at the moment when the death of the loved one is accepted that one learns to continue living in a world in which he/she is no longer there, and and it is accepted that this feeling of overcoming is okay.. In part, this phase occurs because the imprint of the emotional pain of grief fades over time, but it is also necessary to actively reorganize the very ideas that make up our mental framework.

It is not a happy stage as opposed to the other stages of grief, but at the beginning it is characterized rather by a lack of intense feelings and tiredness. Gradually the ability to experience joy and pleasure returns, and from that point on things usually return to normal.

A cycle of feeling better

As we have seen, grief can take many forms, causing the feeling of loss to transform as our way of experiencing it matures. The key is in the way we learn to live with the idea that what we have to coexist with the idea that what we loved will no longer be present, be it a person, an object, or an object we love.whether it was a person, an object or a part of our own body.

In order to overcome these losses, which are often initially felt through a sense of hopelessness and uneasiness, it is necessary to come to terms with the fact that the loss of a loved one will no longer be present.We have to come to terms with the fact that from that moment on we will live in a different world, one in which what we long for is no longer there.

Eventually, it is possible to reconcile with this reality and move forward maintaining a balanced and healthy mental health, either having resorted to psychotherapy or without having done so, in case it has not been necessary. Practically no event is so terrible that we cannot overcome it in one way or another, making an effort and investing time in it. Empirical evidence shows that in the vast majority of cases there is an emotional recovery after intensely painful events such as the death of a loved one.

Bibliographical references:

• Abengózar, Mª. C. (1994). How to live through death and grief. Una perspectiva Clínico-Evolutiva de Afrontamiento. University of Valencia. Valencia.
• Bayés, R. (2001). Psicología del sufrimiento y de la muerte. Ediciones Martínez Roca.
• Kübler-Ross, E. (1992) Los niños y la muerte. Ediciones Luciérnaga. Barcelona.
• Lee, C. (1995) La muerte de los seres queridos. Plaza & Janés Editores. Barcelona.
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