The exercise of parenthood: regretful mothers and fathers?

Paradigm shifts in our societies, and with them the family model has mutated.

Recently, there has been an increase in the frequency of testimonies from mothers and fathers who, despite loving their children above all else, today seriously question whether they would have made the same decision if they could go back in time.

What could be the reason for this change of perspective? What factors may underlie such statements?

Parenting: what are the implications today?

Parenthood becomes a set of experiences and strong changes of character both at personal (individual) and family (systemic) level that take place in a certain period of time between the moment the future arrival of the baby is known and approximately two years after the birth of the baby.

During this relatively short stage, numerous events occur that can be a source of emotional stress for the future parent. For this reasonThis is why we speak of a transition or crisis in the family cycle..

Although, generically speaking, the satisfactions that this new role entails can compensate for the balance derived from stress factors, the latter are of considerable relevance and imply an adequate adaptive management that prevents the experience of the new stage as a parent from being problematic. These factors include: the time and effort dedicated to caring for the baby, the change in the marital relationship, the difficulty of reconciling the different roles exercised by each individual (professional and/or personal), the change in schedules and daily routines, the increase in family financial expenses or the increase in the complexity of family relationships, which change from being understood as dyadic systems (relationship between the couple) to triadic systems (father-mother-child relationship).

Transition to parenthood: vital changes

Among the processes of change and continuity in the transition to parenthood, both individual and conjugal adaptations can be distinguished. Among the first, there are modifications in daily habits (which refer to a restriction and alteration in sleep patterns, individual free time and interpersonal relationships, sexual habits and economic availability), the consequences on the subject's identity, self-concept and self-esteem derived from the emergence of the new role as a father/mother and the management of the adoption of gender roles that tend to be emphasized with the arrival of a child (understanding the mother as the main caregiver figure and the father as the sole economic breadwinner).

On the other hand, changes also take place, although of moderate intensity, in marital relations in terms of the establishment of new habits and shared activities (leisure and sexual relations fundamentally) tending to provide less satisfaction than previously; the organization of household chores and the assumption of family roles (of relative repercussion); changes at the professional level (more pronounced for the mother than for the father) and the redistribution of the time assigned for family relations and friendships (increase in the former and decrease in the latter).

Role of the family: the socializing agent

In order to achieve the ultimate goal of fostering the satisfactory development of the offspring, the family educational scenario is attributed the main functions of:

• Maintenance, stimulation and support among family members, which focus on the promotion of physical/biological, cognitive-attentional and social-emotional skills, respectively.

• Structuring and controlwhich are responsible for the regulation of the three previous functions.

The latter are of relevant importance, since they affect all areas of child development; an adequate structuring translated into the establishment of rules, routines and adaptive habits influences both learning and conceptual-cognitive understanding of the world around him/her, as well as the ability to remain in a balanced socioemotional state before the perception of control and stability of the environment where he/she interacts on a daily basis.

There must be, therefore, a clear consensus among parents that allows for a consistent and unitary transmission. of all the aspects mentioned above and to provide the child with a behavioral guide and a set of attitudes or values that will enhance his or her future personal and social well-being.

Importance of parental agreement in the transmission of values

The particularities of the family nucleus place it in an advantageous position as an agent for the transmission of values, referring to the expression and reception of affection, the volume and quality of time shared between parents and children, the constancy of the family system and the time and willingness of the members of the family system to ensure the overall development of each member.

Thus, values are conceptualized as the set of ideals, both cognitive and behavioral, to which the individual is oriented. to which the human being is oriented in the course of the life cycle, which have a more or less stable character and are mainly subjective in nature. It could be said that this concept refers to the set of beliefs that guide the subject in the achievement of vital goals or objectives.

Types of values

Two fundamental types of values are differentiated depending on the function assigned to each one.

• The instrumental values are understood as competencies and serve to achieve other more transcendental or profound goals (the so-called terminal values). We can speak of competence values (such as imaginative capacity) and moral values (such as honesty).

• The latter can be classified into personal values (happiness) or social values (justice).

The usefulness of values transmitted by the family

Values have a motivational character that encourages the individual to enhance his or her self-esteem and positive self-concept and social competence. The family, as the primary socializing agent, becomes a fundamental source for the internalization and attainment of values in the child, since it possesses some facilitating characteristics for this process, such as proximity, affective communication and cooperation among the different members of the family nucleus.

In the learning of values, the compatibility between them should be taken into account and, in case of conflict between some of them, the one that allows a greater social adjustment should be selected according to the defining beliefs of the family in question.

Other factors to take into account

But it is not always the case that the values that parents wish to transmit to their offspring end up being transmitted directly. multiple factors can interfere to complicate this initial desireFor example, the influence of intergenerational family relationships (grandparents-parents-children) and interpersonal relationships in the peer or school context, the dynamic and changing nature of the family system itself according to the experiences it assumes, the socioeconomic characteristics of the family nucleus or the educational style used by the parents with their children.

Thus, the originally adaptive values that parents intend to transmit are classified into those that enhance personal development (such as autonomy), interpersonal relationships (such as tolerance) and those that facilitate school or work achievement (such as perseverance). Although all of them are potentially beneficial, sometimes they are not transmitted correctly by parents and this causes children to perceive them erroneously and they cannot be internalized.

It seems that one of the aforementioned factors, the educational style, plays a fundamental role in this aspect.. Thus, parents who put into practice a democratic style are the ones who manage to transmit values that are more faithful to what was previously expected. This educational methodology is optimal for this objective since it encourages interaction and participation of all members of the family, being more empathetic, understanding and more open to dialogue than other more distant educational styles.

The effects of constant disagreement

The agreement between both parents on the points mentioned above (the transmission of values and the educational guidelines applied) becomes a determining factor in the final behavior of the child. The existence of parental disagreement on these issues exacerbates the appearance of marital conflicts.The result is significantly detrimental to the family as a whole, since the child does not internalize how he/she should really act, since the criteria is changeable depending on the situation. The result of this is significantly detrimental to the family as a whole, since the child does not internalize how he or she should really act, since the criteria change depending on the situation.

On the other hand, a negative relationship dynamic is created between parents based on discussion or competition over the criterion that is finally applied, which is equally maladaptive. All this can contribute significantly to the development of a feeling of dissatisfaction with the experience of parenthood.

By way of conclusion

The quality of the family "educational curriculum" (what and how it is taught) is a determining factor in child development since, given its implicit and relatively unconscious or indirect nature, the set of values, norms, skills and learning are transmitted automatically and involuntarily on most occasions. It is therefore advisable to reflect on what kind of values and skills are transmitted automatically and involuntarily in most cases, It is therefore advisable to reflect on the type of values and educational guidelines that are being transmitted, assessing their appropriateness from the point of view of the educational process.It is therefore advisable to reflect on the type of values and educational guidelines that are being transmitted, assessing their appropriateness from a more conscious and rational point of view.

Due to the transcendence of the role of the family in the integral development of the child, it seems indispensable that the parental nucleus assumes the responsibility that comes with the decision of parenthood. As has been proven, there are numerous changes to be experienced by future parents, both at a personal and social level. Therefore, both the emotional stability of each spouse separately, as well as the stability of the parental nucleus itself and the level of agreement between both parents on the educational guidelines to be transmitted are aspects to be considered extensively and deeply before making the determination to embark on the exercise of parenthood.

Bibliographical references:

• Aguilar, M. C. (2001): Educación familiar. reto o necesidad...? Madrid: Dykinson.
• Carrobles, J. A. and Pérez Pareja, J. (1999): Escuela de padres. Madrid: Pirámide.
• López-Barajas, E. (ed.) (1997): La familia en el tercer milenio. Madrid: UNED.