The NoMo movement, what is it?

There is something in common between Kylie Minogue, Oprah Winfey, Maribel Verdú, Angela Merkel, Cameron Díaz, Renée Zellweger, Olvido Gara (Alaska) and Audrey Tautou. Also between Frida Khalo, Marilyn Monroe, Virginia Wolf, Katherine Hepburn and Coco Chanel. All of them are "nobody's mothers."

Traditionally 9 out of 10 women were mothers. At present, 47% of the female population between the ages of 15 and 44 do not have children. More specifically, a recent study confirms that one in four Spanish women of the seventies generation will not be mothers. In 2017, there were more deaths than births in Spain, a figure comparable for the first time since the Civil War and which places the country among the lowest birth rates in Europe.

• The term NoMo comes from "Not Mother" or "no mother", and the ultimate goal of NoMO movement it is helping women lead full and meaningful lives, despite not having children.
• The desire for non-motherhood is present in all social strata and in diverse ethnic groups and conditions. Any woman can be NoMo.
• In this group there are also women who want to be mothers and cannot be. Some will resolve the conflict on their own, but others will need outside support.

Society changes over time and with it its uses and customs. A few years ago, women were expected to marry, have children, and be a good homemaker. The incorporation of women into the world of work and their growing social participation, has given rise to new roles and ways of life. But what happens when basic social beliefs and expectations do not evolve at the same time as new ways of life?

What is the NoMo movement?

The term Nomo It comes from “not” and “mo” from mother, that is, “not mother” or “no mother”. It was first coined in 2011 by Jody Day, an English psychotherapist and writer who, due to her fertility problem, created Gateway Women, a worldwide network of friendship and support for childless women. But nevertheless, the NoMo movement It is not only made up of women with, but also includes women with other reasons for not procreating. The ultimate goal of the movement is to help women lead full and meaningful lives, despite not having children.

The NoMo movement demands that it cease to be perceived at a social level that the only form of happiness for a woman is to give birth at least once in her life, leaving behind old patriarchal preconceptions that perceive, in a more or less subtle way, women without children as selfish, immature, not very feminine, hedonistic people, that something must happen to them ("strangers"), of doubtful sanity, who hate children and who will have an old age full of regret and loneliness. The need to reconceptualize the maternity, that it goes from being a universal and expected natural law to a legitimate and respectable individual decision.

Why the NoMo movement?

There are several factors that can lead women to not have children. According to the latest studies, strictly biological reasons (difficulties with fertility) represent 10% of cases. Another 10% would be occupied by women who do not want to be mothers voluntarily. In this last category, ethical, political and ecological currents such as anti-natalism or simply women who have no "instinct" (they do not want children) and want a model of life other than motherhood would be included.

The remaining 80% of cases have to do with a wide variety of factors: difficulties in reconciling work with personal life, financial problems, not having found a suitable partner or not having found one of childbearing age, widowhood, having developed other vital projects and that it was late to be a mother, psychological or emotional difficulties of your own or of your partner, various fears (of not being able to manage it correctly, that the current balance falls apart ...), having gone through a traumatic event and not wanting to go through the same thing again, having taken care of the family of origin from a very young age and having been saturated with caring, wanting to be a single mother and not having them work, etc.

Who are and who are not the NoMos?

The profile is usually defined Nomo as Western women, with a high educational level, professional career, medium-high or high economic level, free from stereotypes, independent, who live more in cities than in rural areas. However, recent sociological studies indicate that this is not entirely true. Although this profile is the most visible, it is because it is the dominant social female profile, the one that can decide and express itself more freely. However, the desire for non-motherhood is present in all social strata and in diverse ethnic groups and conditions. Any woman can belong to the NoMo movement.

What can be done?

Many Nomo they will never need psychological assistance for the very fact of being one, specifically we are talking about women for whom not being a mother is their own decision or is not an essential vital condition. Also, some women who want to be mothers and cannot be will resolve the conflict on their own without the need for external support. However, an important part of the latter group may need. Some proposals that can help:

• Address the grief that involves the loss of a broken vital project and transform it into a meaningful new project. Turn circumstances into opportunities. Reincarnate in Phoenix Bird.
• Excuse and dismantle false beliefs: "my parents will never be grandparents", "my husband is going to abandon me for another woman who gives him offspring", "I am not even capable of doing this" ...
• Leave behind the yes-no thought: Freedom is having at least three options to choose from. There is no single model of happiness for a woman.
• Expand the overview: Open options, neither good is so good nor bad is so bad. It is important to analyze both the advantages and disadvantages of being a mother, as well as the advantages and disadvantages of not being one.
• Share emotions: Relate to close circles, new social circles and telematically through social networks, forums of interest ...
• Regulate your own attitudes: participate, be active, get involved ...
• Give continuity to your own being, dare to leave a personal legacy for posterity: write a book, create something new that lasts ...
• Reflect on the messages that have been received about motherhood and question beliefs that encapsulate: what is of one's own and what is there of social learning in this desire? Did I really want children or was I looking for them because my whole environment has it?
• Empower yourself and recover damaged areas. If the discomfort is not manageable, consult a specialized psychotherapist. The insurances have a large medical staff of specialists in psychology.

Then?

Make visible the NoMo movement It supposes to verify a social change. It is important to raise it so that it can lead to: high-quality maternity wards, so that whoever carries them out is really for a chosen and desired option, in an appropriate context and with adequate conditions. Insisting on universalizing motherhood leads to problems of various kinds: negative emotions such as frustration or regret, psychological disorders in the mother and in the children, impoverishment and regression ... and non-maternity wards that, although not always chosen, are accepted and just as healthy and happy as maternity wards.

So, are we facing a new social movement or a new reality?