The power struggle in couple relationships

Relationships based on power and authority... and the associated problems.

"I promise to be faithful to you in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life.

"I, love you..., as a wife and give myself to you, and I promise to be faithful to you in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life."

Those are the promises we hear over and over again when couples have the illusion of living together happily and peacefully after marriage. But... But what happens when conflicts start to arise after a while? Is the fairy tale over?

Conflicts in couples

Conflicts in couples respond to multiple factors. Today I want to share one of the reasons why couples begin to have conflicts and it is imperceptible to the eyes of the newlyweds, to the point that they begin to become entangled until they generate the effect of a snowball.

At the beginning, due to the same effect of falling in love, couples tend to put aside their personal needs, interests and preferences, in order to be at the service of the loved one. But once a certain stability or security is obtained from the love of the other, the person returns to focus on his or her own well-being, and once again resumes his or her life thinking about his or her interests, tastes, preferences, without having to suppress his or her opinions or decisions or to agree to situations that are unpleasant to him or her. That is to say, that can show himself as he is, without worrying about whether he will be accepted or rejectedThere is a commitment that makes him feel that "the other person must adjust" to his world.

At this point, a form of power struggle begins to be generated.. It is a common phenomenon in couples who did not acquire the necessary emotional tools during courtship to solve the daily problems of living together.

What is power struggle?

The power struggle is defined as the confluence of internal forces in which egocentrism and the intrinsic need for self-affirmation in each partner prevail..

When this condition is present in a couple, initially the partners may not recognize that each is struggling for power. Therefore, they often point fingers or blame the other for problems that occur.

Typical phrases in couples: "She is always the one who does..., she doesn't understand, she doesn't listen to me..., she wants what she says to do, period". "He doesn't understand me, he just wants me to do what he says, I don't have to let myself go, he doesn't boss me around".

Becoming aware

There are also cases in which the partners have recognized that they reproduce this relationship dynamic but do not know how to get out of it. Examples of these situations in consultation are the following comments: "I tell her, but she doesn't listen to me, it takes time for someone else to tell her the same thing, she just rejects these ideas because they come from me". Or: "She has to do the exact opposite of what I ask her to do".

At this point, couples don't realize it, but they have started a war in which they have started a war in which the goal is to demonstrate who has the power.. They stop being at the service of the other to serve the relationship. That is, the relationship "must be" rewarding for me or meet my expectations and completely forgets that it involves two.

Now, the most important question with which the analysis in therapy begins is this: why do you struggle to have power? Also: what are you feeling or what did you stop feeling in order for you to consider that you should have the power? Or: at what point did you lose the promise "I give myself to you, to take care of you, to respect you all the days of my life? However, delving into these questions to find a sincere answer is far from easy.

Symptoms of power struggle

Let's look at typical cases heard in therapy where a power struggle has been generated.

• Always being rightClinging to defend one's point of view, losing the ability to listen and understand the other.

• Seeking one's own interestsFocusing on one's own needs and interests without caring about those of the other person. In this way, the other person must look out for his or her own well-being.

• Being perfectTo maintain arguments in which as a person you never make mistakes, you only have qualities and the other person is the only one responsible for the problems in the relationship. It is very easy for them to find their partner's defects, but it becomes a very difficult task for them to find, accept and, above all, wish to modify their own defects.

• Idealization of the perfect partnerThere are people who focus their efforts on having a perfect relationship, without problems, crises or discrepancies. Therefore, they need to feel that they have control in the relationship to avoid disagreements; preventing the other person from feeling as a symmetrical part of the relationship.

Why does the power struggle occur?

In all cases, the main reason for the appearance of the above symptoms is the same: the feeling of inferiority.

When people feel undervalued, excluded, minimized or incapable of satisfying their partner, they channel their frustration, impotence, anger and sadness through a compensatory feeling: superiority. superiority. In other words, people find in "power" the security they have lost in themselves. Unfortunately, they hold the other person responsible for their discomfort, i.e., instead of resolving their lack of self-worth, they place the cause of their ills on their partner: "if only he would listen to me just once...", patients often say. But they lose sight of the fact that it takes two to generate this power struggle.

One person alone cannot start the "battles" that sometimes come to the practice. Both are trying to defend their turf, both feel they are failing the other, both have lost a lot of things.…

Resolving the situation

To stop fighting for power in a relationship is not an easy task. Many times professional help is required, because the problem is mixed with affective deficiencies in each of the protagonists and failures in communication. However, when couples gradually become aware of the deterioration they suffer from this attitude, they take on challenges that allow them to relate to each other with more security and this, in turn, generates more tranquility and openness.

Here are some exercises that you can do while I propose some exercises that they can do while professional help arrives.l:

1. Courtesy

Let's imagine for a moment that our partner is not our partner, but a very good co-worker, who in difficult moments is there for us. Now, let's engage in a conversation. Easily We will easily notice that we are usually more polite, subtle, friendly. We will be careful with our gestures, tone and words so as not to offend or hurt his or her feelings.

2. Finding the plus point

Let's forget for a moment our desire to win the fight, and focus on listening to the other person. Let's find a point where we can agree with him or her.

3. Caring for each other

It is more than clear that there are many resentments resulting from fights, which should be addressed with the professional, but at this time that we express our desire to fight for the relationship, it is worth having as an objective to take care of the other person.. For that we can do the following: let's ask the other person, before going to bed: "How do you want me to help you tomorrow? And let's try to fulfill that task as if it were a sacred request.

4. Physical contact

It has been shown that in couples where physical contact is lost, there is a greater tendency to think on their own without communicating effectively and, therefore, there is room to start fighting for one's own interests. That is why, even if it is not natural or comfortable at the beginning, before starting the day you can hug the other person tightly, hug each other tightly, expecting nothing more than to enjoy the embrace..

5. Surprise

Let's try to surprise the other person according to what he/she likes or is interested in.. Let's concentrate on breaking the fear of rejection or of looking bad.

6. Ask for opinions

Each case is unique, and the best way to know if we are doing the right thing is to contrast our opinion with that of others. to contrast our opinion with that of others.. Sometimes professional help is indisputable, but in some cases we may not need this help.

7. Making each other happy

Let's not put our happiness on the other person. Let us look for activities that we enjoy and that make us feel good. Let us treat each other with affection and value ourselves as people.. Once we feel capable and secure in the relationship, without realizing it, we will not need to struggle for power... because we will be happy with the gains of a stable and equitable relationship.