Toxic mothers: these 12 characteristics make them unbearable

There is only one mother, but sometimes they can cause a lot of discomfort to their children.

In the family environment there are all kinds of people who, in certain cases, can turn the education during our first years of life into a very negative experience, can turn the education during our first years of life into a very negative experience..

There is no natural law according to which the relationship with mothers and fathers has to be easy. Many times, the context in which we live, or hard experiences lived in the past, make the way in which we interact with some relatives twist. In this case we will talk about a phenomenon that may be known as "toxic mothers"..

What are toxic mothers like?

Mothers, because of their traditional role as caregivers, which is still preserved in many countries, and partly also because of the special bond of attachment they establish with their children during breastfeeding, are a fundamental element in this aspect, and their influence on parenting is usually more decisive than that of fathers.

Those toxic mothers who are voluntarily or involuntarily toxic and who, moved by love or self-interest, transform the upbringing of some people in the way they raise their children, transform the education of some people in an ordeal, can leave a mark in the people raised by them..

These are people who establish a negative bond with their sons or daughters, to the point of making actions that in principle may be based on love and affection become a leash that limits the freedom and well-being of others.

Despite what it may seem, the responsibility for the relationship not being a good one does not have to be entirely the mother's. Relationships are two-way roads, and no matter how bad a bond may seem, many times both people involved could be doing something to improve it.

Now, what characterizes toxic mothers is that, although sometimes they are not 100% to blame for the bad relationship, for the sons or daughters the sacrifice of having to carry this relationship can be such a heavy burden that, despite being able to look for ways to improve the situation, that option is unaffordable, because it would require suffering much longer. For this reason, the situation often leads to loss of contact.

Voluntary or involuntary toxic mothers: their characteristics

Knowing how to identify cases in which someone behaves like a toxic mother is very important to put a stop to the situation and make this adult re-learn how to educate in a proper way. 

These are some of the signs that can be useful when identifying them. They do not all have to occur at the same time, but they offer a guideline about their behavior.

1. Fixation with gender roles

Some toxic mothers are toxic because they feel they must pass on to their daughters the cultural legacy of what being a woman is supposed to represent. That is why, unwittingly, they will pressure their daughters to adopt a submissive attitude towards men and to conceive of household chores as their responsibility (regardless of their actual preferences).

Normally extremely conservative toxic father figures are not so concerned with educating their daughters in this regard, but leave this task to the mothers.

2. The "Prince Charming" illusion

A problem derived from the previous one is that toxic mothers with a very conservative profile educate their daughters in the idea that they will not be happy without a man at their side.. 

In this way, they are educated to feel sadness and regret if for whatever reason they find themselves single for a period of time that they consider excessive, and they become involved in relationships simply to escape from singleness.

3. Controlling personality

This is a characteristic of toxic mothers that is reflected in the way they raise their sons and daughters. In these cases, mothers tend to assume that as a maternal figure they should have the maximum responsibility for the education of their sons and daughters, to the point that the latter have no decision-making capacity over what they do.

Of course, this is a very damaging idea, this is a very damaging idea that feeds a relationship dynamic in which any choice must go through the mother, leaving the little ones with no chance to make their own decisions.This leaves the little ones without the possibility of learning to be autonomous and to learn from their successes and mistakes.

4. The projection on the sons and daughters

This is a characteristic shared by both toxic mothers and their male counterparts: the tendency to believe that their offspring must become the "ideal self" that they never became.. That is why, sometimes, many parents enroll their children in so many extracurricular activities that the latter end up exhausted and without time or desire to devote to what they really like.

Moreover, as toxic mothers and fathers perceive their offspring always taking into account the fact that they belong to a generation, they approach this as a race against time: they want to make their children perfect in the shortest time possible. That is why, sometimes, they start "training" certain abilities of their children when they are very young, before the age of 7 or 8, and force them to continue practicing throughout the years.

5. Mistrust of friends

Some toxic parents may assume the role of protective woman so much that they forbid their sons and daughters to be friends with people they consider suspicious, even if it is only because of their appearance. This, of course, The result is intense frustration in children, who may learn that friendships are kept secret, thus creating an encirclement between the circle of friends and the family.In addition, in some cases, the criteria by which a friend is deemed acceptable becomes a sign of racism, thus inculcating in their offspring this racist attitude.

Moreover, in some cases, the criteria by which it is established that a friend is acceptable becomes a sign of racism, thus inculcating their offspring with this discriminatory mental scheme from their earliest years.

6. Passive-aggressive attitude

Toxic mothers do not adapt to the fact that the way in which they try to educate is totally rejected, and they will continue trying to behave as they did at the beginning, without learning from the experience.

What usually changes is their state of mind, which tends to become that of a frustrated person who refuses to change strategies in order to see their child's future. who refuses to change strategies to see if better results can be obtained. Normally, in these cases, the help of another person is necessary for these mothers to see with perspective that their discomfort can be mitigated by trying new things.

7. Indifference

There are mothers who, instead of being controlling, are exactly the opposite.. In many occasions they disguise as permissiveness what in reality is indifference or little desire to manage clashes of interests between them and the little ones.

The result of this tends to be children who present the Emperor Syndrome and, as adults, helpless people in adult life, who easily fall into frustration and with low tolerance to anxiety-generating situations.

8. Overprotection

Overprotection has much to do with the controlling personality, but it occurs through the fear that children face the challenges of adult life. This way of relating to sons and daughters provides incentives for not taking the initiative and staying within the comfort zone.

9. Competitive mentality

This is another characteristic trait of toxic mothers that has to do with projection; in this case, they try to show before everyone's eyes that their children are better than the rest, either by buying them more things, putting more pressure on them to study, etc. This may have to do with the fear that the children are unprotected in their adult and independent life, but it is very psychologically exhausting.

The important thing is that the work is not done to satisfy the real needs of the children, but to achieve social status through them. to achieve social status through them..

10. Habitual use of violence to punish

The habitual use of punishment methods based on violence, whether physical or verbal through insults, is one of the most harmful phenomena that can occur within the family. Not only does it cause suffering at specific moments when it is used, but it also feeds distrust, resentment and fear.

11. Parental alienation

The fact of trying to turn the children against a family member, usually the other parent after a separation or divorce, is one of the forms of manipulation with consequences for the children. one of the most serious forms of manipulation with the most serious consequences.. Of course, it can occur in both fathers and mothers.

12. Interference

Even within families, intimacy is important. Not knowing how to respect it generates a lot of discomfort in the long run.

Bibliographical references:

• Bowlby, J. (1977). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 130(3): pp. 201 - 210.
• Fassin, Eric. (2002). The nature of motherhood: for an anthropology of reproduction. Journal de anthropologues.
• Fehr, B., Russell, J. (1991). The Concept of Love Viewed From a Prototype Perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Peusner, Paul (2009). Critique of the notion of family in El Sufrimiento de los niños. Letra Viva, Buenos Aires.