What is a childhood emotional wound?

These are the main emotional wounds that we can suffer.

A childhood emotional wound is an emotional damage that occurs when we are children.. This emotional damage exceeds the child's capacity to integrate and make sense of what is happening to him/her and to process the emotions generated by it.

The emotional wound becomes entrenched, does not heal, and continues to bleed when we are adults.

What is the origin of a childhood emotional wound?

The emotional wound is generated by our parents, many times without bad intention, since they carry their own wounded children and do what they can; and the school, a first environment in which we can live a very happy stage or a terrifying stage in which they can do us a lot of damage.

On the other hand, childhood emotional wounds cause us low self-esteem, generating insecurity in the world and in the relationships we establish.. They cause us to develop false limiting beliefs about ourselves, such as that we do not deserve love, we are bad, we are not enough or we cannot trust others and the world.

It also disconnects us from our natural ability to listen and feel emotions. Our emotional compass is disruptedOur emotional compass is broken and, therefore, our needs that stem from these emotions are pushed to the background.

The 7 childhood emotional wounds

Here are some questions to help you detect if you have any of the 7 childhood wounds I am going to talk about later.

Do you feel fragile, that you don't love yourself, that you give everything for others, but you find it hard to think about yourself, that you find it hard to manage your emotions? Do you have painful memories from the past that you would rather not look at? Are you afraid of loving someone? Are you afraid of not being loved anymore? Are you afraid of losing the other person? Are you ashamed of exposing yourself to others? Are you afraid of being rejected?

I have to tell you that what I am going to explain below is not only based on my academic training, but also on the experience I have had with all my patients. The characteristics that you are going to read about each wound are not exclusive to that wound; you may find yourself with some characteristic of another wound that also probably belongs to yours. Nothing is black and white in psychology.

1. Wound of abandonment

When we speak of this wound we refer to a very intense fear that the other person will abandon us or stop loving us.. It comes from parents who have been physically or emotionally absent or parents who have overprotected us too much. From here, therefore:

• I will seek fusion and total dependence in my relationships.
• I feel the other person's faults and mistakes as my own, as well as their emotions. I find it difficult to separate and differentiate myself from the other person.
• I will have an enormous terror of loneliness.
• I may be a little jealous and distrustful of my partner.
• I will get used to notice all those signs that indicate that my partner may not be well with me: he/she has not written me good morning as usual, he/she takes too long to get home, he/she has not told me what time he/she arrives, he/she talks too much with that girl or guy, etc.
• I will tend to please the other person.
• I will seek control and persecution in my relationships for fear that the other will go away and leave me.
• I will behave like a child: that the other will take care of me, pamper me, and advise me. Sometimes, it is the other way around, I will tend to be the other's mom or dad so that he or she will depend on me and never leave....

2. Wound of rejection

It comes from parents who have not accepted us for who we are unconditionally and is always linked to a period of bullying at school. and it is always linked to a period of bullying at school. From this wound we feel a very intense fear that the other person will reject me for the way I am. Let us look at some of its characteristics:

• We will seek to avoid conflict at all costs, feeling bad about ourselves and with a lot of fear and feeling of helplessness.
• We will be hypersensitive to criticism.
• Clear disconnection with anger: we will not know how to set limits and will tend to please everyone.
• I try to go unnoticed, not to be seen.

3. Wound of humiliation

We feel that there is some defect within ourselves.. It comes from parents who have ridiculed us for the way we are or for our physique. It is especially associated with mothers who are controlling, perfectionist, and who give excessive importance to what people will say, to the body and to the image. It is also often associated with school and intrafamilial bullying by cousins or siblings, i.e., by peers.

• Toxic shame about oneself as a core emotion.
• Tendency not to show flaws or weaknesses, to be strong with a false armor.
• Impostor syndrome: being very intelligent, but feeling that I am never enough and that I am inept.
• Seeking perfection and excellence in everything I do or say.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism.
• Repression of parts of myself that I don't like and reject/hate.
• Coldness.
• Narcissistic overcompensation, thinking that I am the best in my work (although with others I only show humility) and in everything I do, although I still feel that I am not worth it.
• Hypervigilance and alertness all the time, as if I have to hide something, a part of me that I do not accept and that others will see as an absolute fraud.
• Tendency to dress up a lot physically to give a good image of myself, achieving excellence and perfection.
• Problems with food, from restriction to binge eating.

4. Betrayal wound

It arises when our parents have disappointed us on more than one occasion.. The signs are as follows:

• I distrust the world, life, and everyone. I have lost hope in humanity.
• I am rigid and intolerant.
• I get very annoyed and personalize that you don't love me because of small details such as: I talk to you and you don't listen to me, you are 5 minutes late for our appointment, I tell you something and you tell someone else, you don't remember my birthday, etc.
• I have a hard time trusting you, giving myself in the bond and letting myself be loved.
• I am on constant alert about the little details. I control. If you fail me on one little thing I will stand at a distance and from paranoia in our bond.

5. Wound of guilt

When we tend to take responsibility for everything and everyone. It comes from families in which we have had the role of taking responsibility for the wounds and emotions of our families. In experiences like this we tend to have grown up as over-grown children, maturing before our time.. We are the best caretakers and protectors with others, but we don't know how to take care of ourselves. Hints:

• I am a highly responsible person with what I do, with my life and with my studies.
• I am very organized and decisive.
• I tend to take care of the other person so much that sometimes they get overwhelmed.
• I feel the other person's faults and mistakes as my own, as well as their emotions. I find it hard to separate myself from the other person.
• I find it hard to ask for help and talk about what I feel, because I am used to taking care of the other person.
• I feel guilty if I don't take care of you. Easily blackmailed if you place yourself in a victim role.
• I can't stop helping you because if I don't, I don't feel loved.

6. Wound of injustice

It comes from situations that we have experienced in our families of origin as unjust, both among our parents and with ourselves.both between our parents and with ourselves. Especially, it comes from a parent who has been rigid and intolerant with their child, who looks at society from the point of view of injustice and non-acceptance and gets involved in issues of politics, economics, etc. I have this wound yes:

• I am an advocate for lost causes: participate in NGOs, volunteer constantly, demonstrations, burn containers, am revolutionary, etc.
• Highly strict morals: I try never to lie and never to hurt anyone. It bothers me a lot when others do not take me into account and are unfair to me.
• I am self-demanding with myself and with my life, my responsibilities and even with my own body.

7. Wound of recognition

Arises when we have not felt valued in our families of origin and/or when what we have done has never been enough in the eyes of others. in the eyes of others. Or, on the contrary, when we have been valued so much for this that we feel we are nothing because there is no identity beyond that. Or when our self-esteem is only linked to academics. When we have had highly demanding and perfectionist parents, who above all gave value to studies and academics.

It also occurs in people who are dedicated to high standing positions, such as doctor, engineer, research doctor, employee in internationally competitive company, etc. I have this wound if:

• I get very angry if the other person corrects me, for me it is important to do everything perfect. I can get so defensive that I may explode in anger. It seems as if I never make mistakes.
• Rigid beliefs about perfection, excellence, not stopping, not resting...
• Emotional repression, vision of emotions from things that are bad, that make me vulnerable and that I must control.
• Tendency to develop compulsive mechanisms to release contained emotions: eating, cleaning, obsessive thoughts, excessive gym...
• Limiting beliefs such as: I am worthless, it is never enough, I have to be perfect, I have to be able to handle everything, etc.
• Terror of failure in the academic-work environment and pathological association of self-care to failure: intense fear of postponing the delivery of a job, changing jobs if I do not feel well, stopping, setting limits, leaving on my own time, resting, etc.
• Frequent anxiety attacks and chronic stress, I am always thinking about what my next job step is going to be that will give me success and stability.
• Impostor syndrome: I am objectively very intelligent but I don't believe it, I feel that I am useless and clumsy.

How to heal each of the 7 childhood wounds?

The first step is to realize and recognize that we have a childhood emotional wound. Then, it is necessary to know that the only way to heal it is to take responsibility for it and not to blame anyone.

The second step is the same for everyone: crying, getting angry, feeling... to transit the wound. Not from a rational part, but from the gut. This can only be done with a specialized therapist.

The third step is to learn to love yourself, look at yourself, listen to yourself and prioritize you from the affection and unconditional love.

The fourth step, and here everyone has their own specific route, is to do things that we have never done because of this wound. Here are some quick tips for each wound.

1. Abandonment wound

Practice autonomy, learn to live with lonelinessdoing things alone, regulating your emotions by yourself, etc.

2. Wound of rejection

Practice expressing what you feel or think more frequently.. Be you, more authentic and consistent with yourself. Let go of fear and become more angry. Start by setting limits on the people you trust the most and then in the world: stand up for yourself if someone skips the line at the supermarket, ask the waiter to change your plate, etc.

3. Wound of humiliation

Expose the parts of you that you like the least, accept them, love them and show them.. Breathe your shame as you feel it in your body, get used to it until it goes away. Tell yourself that you can allow yourself to be insecure and that it doesn't say anything bad about you. It makes you human.

4. Betrayal Wound

Learn to trust. Open yourself to the possibility that the other may betray you. Let go of control. Gradually expose your vulnerable side. Let yourself be loved.

5. Wounded by guilt

Stop caring. Focus on taking care of you. Learn to hold the anguish when the other can't, gets frustrated, and crashes .. You have to learn and grow. Save yourself, it is you who needs help.

6. Wound of injustice

Stop to complaining. Accept that the world is cruel and unfair and that you cannot change it. Let go of resentment and anger. Connect with what's underneath, which is usually pain. Allow yourself to be unfair from time to time. You are not a robot, you have feelings and sometimes you are wrong, sometimes you feel jealousy and envy.sometimes you feel jealousy and envy, and that's okay.

7. Recognition wound

Take care of yourself, dedicate less time to work and dedicate it to you. Let go of control. Breathe. Flow. You don't need to prove anything to anyone or test yourself.. You are enough. Love yourself this way, with your imperfections and for who you are, not for what you do.