What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?

Definition, effects and considerations about the experience of guilt.

In my years as a therapist, I have witnessed how many people live prey to a great phantom that torments them: its name is guilt. They are people who are unable to fully enjoy their lives because they tend to deprive themselves of experiences, make decisions, take on challenges, close circles in their lives because they feel guilty.

That is why today I decided to write a few basic ideas that allow you to reflect on this great ghost that haunts our lives and sometimes we do not realize.

What we understand by guilt

Let's start by exploring the term: guilt. guilt. We usually define this concept as an unpleasant feeling born of the sanction, the accusatoryThe accusatory finger-pointing or condemnation produced by "something we did or did not do and it was assumed that we should do or not do".

This finger-pointing generates feelings such as sadness, remorse, regret, anguish, helplessness and frustration.

The small imaginary judgments

These cases can be found very easily in judicial matters, in which a person is sentenced or condemned to a certain penalty for committing a crime. Such processes tend to be very emotionally draining for those involved, and a deterioration is easily noticed, not only in the person's emotional state, but also in the person's emotional state.The psychological and social deterioration is easily noticed, as well as the physical deterioration.

It is precisely on this point that I am interested in reflecting. In consultation I often mention to my patients that, consciously or unconsciously, they tend to live in a constant "trial" in which, unfortunately, they themselves are the ones who are forced to sit in the "chair of the accused".

In this way, it is a matter of exemplifying how exhausting their lives can be.The subject's own decision to "punish or reproach himself" for "what he does or does not do in life". In other words, on many occasions there is no such "other who points the finger", but rather it is the subject's own inflexibility that is blamed.

When the blame is self-inflicted

On the basis of this premise, it is made clear thate guilt is the exclusive decision of the subject to be condemning him/herself.. 

The upbringing and education received in general can influence the acquisition of self-punitive behaviors, but once we move into adulthood, we are responsible for changing our repertoire in such a way that we acquire more and more assertive emotional tools.

The example of the second language

To clarify this point I often give the following example to my patients.

As children, parents often cannot give their children the option of acquiring a second language; while they are children and adolescents, they are subject to the possibilities that their parents allow them. And if you ask them why they don't speak another language, they will very naturally say that their parents cannot give them that option.

But when they are adults, they can no longer justify themselves by talking about what their parents could not provide them with, since theoretically it is already their absolute responsibility to provide themselves with all the professional tools necessary to compete in the labor market, and the more they need a tool to stand out in the professional field, the greater their effort should be to achieve it.

In the same way, if our parents were not able to provide us with the necessary tools to have mental health and therefore, quality of life, as adults it is our responsibility to acquire new resources. Therefore, using guilt assertively is an absolute decision of the person. The ideal is to know how to manage these beliefs and feelings in order to improve our quality of life in those areas where it can be improved. in those areas where it can be improved.

Why should guilt be exterminated when it is not assertive?

Guilt generates heartbreaking feelingsbecause it makes the person a prisoner in an emotional situation.

Example: let us imagine that near where we live a natural disaster occurs and many loved ones were affected; we feel their Pain and concern, therefore, if it is in our possibilities we run to help them, trying to give the best of us before such a catastrophe; almost unthinkable would be for a person to place handcuffs on his hands and tie himself to the bed, in such a way that he feels the pain of his friends but without being able to do anything.

This is precisely the scenario assumed by people who blame themselves; they remain paralyzed, they lament, they feel pain, but they do not take actions that would allow them to improve the situation.. They remain "tied", "prisoners" in their feelings without the capacity to collaborate.

Forms of compensation

It is necessary to clarify that sometimes people clearly assume the responsibility for their actions, as they look for ways to compensate for their actions.In the meantime they look for ways to compensate for their mistake. For example, if in a couple one of the two was unfaithful, it is possible that the mistake is recognized and that the person struggles to regain trust, in such a way that it does not remain in regrets or sanctions, but in the way to regain the emotional stability of the couple in case they want to continue together. That is to say, guilt allows us to become sensitive to human feelings and therefore, to delimit certain actions for a healthy coexistence. This would be the assertive use of guilt.

However, in many occasions people feel guilty for events that are not their responsibility.. Returning to one of the examples, it would be as if the person felt responsible for the natural disaster, which devastated the neighborhood and therefore, begins to apologize to others and fails to continue with his life because of the sadness caused by the experience.

The guilt that binds us

In the same way, people spend a great deal of their lives immersed in this "irrational belief" that they are responsible for events that belong to the course of their own lives. And the difficult thing is that it generates a circle, for by "paralyzing" oneself by becoming "paralyzed" and not looking for alternative ways to improve the situation, one falls into constant complaining or lamentation..

That is why, when helping people to channel their guilt, they are asked if they really want to free themselves from these unpleasant feelings. The most important question I have to ask them as a therapist is: "Do you want to take responsibility for your life?". Because that often involves taking actions that we unconsciously avoid taking.. In some cases, in fact, they realize that it is more comfortable to be lamenting about the past than to start building the present.

Temporality

Another important aspect to mention on the subject of guilt is its temporality.. Guilt, as already mentioned, helps us to become aware of those actions that we do or fail to do and that allow us to make amends or improve as people; but it must be inscribed within a time. It has a beginning and an end, as well as an objective that, as mentioned, is focused on improvement.

However, its use is distorted when it begins but does not end, that is, when we feel bad for a fault we committed but we are continuously recriminating ourselves over and over again.

In legal matters it is often heard that a person pays sentence only once for a crime. In this case it is the same; the person really regrets the harm committed, apologizes, shows his repentance and continues to live. However, many people find it impossible to put that final point and relive their negative feelings over and over again. for the harm they caused to the other person.

At this point I usually ask my patients the following question: What is the purpose of living with this feeling of guilt? Does it work to victimize, manipulate, or avoid taking responsibility? It is extremely important that people find the real reason why they blame themselves. It is the beginning to achieve changes.