When children get married and the family home is left empty

Mothers and fathers who suffer sadness and depression when their children become emancipated. Why does this happen?

When couples get married they start the adventure of marriage; with great illusion they dare to dream, create projects together, enjoy themselves as a couple and sometimes wait for the great moment of the arrival of the children at home. With great excitement they embark on the path of raising this new creature. Many fears, worries and new needs arise, but little by little everything is resolved..

These are the magical moments that couples who come for consultation remember because "their babies" became independent and left home and now they do not know what to do. What usually happens is that they have been living for their children for more than twenty years, so the moment when their children become independent can be a hard blow; they are overcome with an incredible sadness.They are overwhelmed by an incredible sadness and loneliness. When children marry, the family nest is empty and few things remain the same.

"My children are leaving home."

These mothers and fathers wish the best for their children and support them, but inside they feel like they are fading away in pain.. "I sit on their bed and start crying - now what am I going to do?" says the father days after his only daughter's wedding.

It is the expected moment, as such and as the father recognizes, and he feels happy for his daughter's partner, but he is aware of the rearrangements they will have to make at home, because the experiences will not be the same. It is the moment of family reorganization, to reach a new stability..

That is why I consider it important to provide information about this new stage that couples are going through, and especially about the Empty Nest Syndrome, as well as to give recommendations on how to deal with it.

The Empty Nest Syndrome

Couples go through different stages, and in each one both members must readjust their expectations, desires and needs so that together they can move forward and feel satisfied in this union. In general, when the children are at home, the parents' priority is focused on their well-being: providing affection, values, food, shelter, shelter, study, fun, etc. Therefore, parents spend much of their time striving to fulfill this role.

Unfortunately, on many occasions, they forget that before being parents they were people and then a couple; therefore, they consider that their only duty is to be parents, Therefore, they consider that their only duty is to be parents and their life revolves around their "great loves"..

A definition

Before continuing, let us clarify what we mean when we talk about the Empty Nest Syndrome.

It refers not only to physical separation, but also to emotional detachment based on "not being dependent or subservient to the parents", either because the children start a relationship or for reasons of independence or studies.

Symptoms that may appear when children leave home

The Empty Nest Syndrome to which we refer to here is absolutely linked to the event of separation from the children.. Among the main symptoms are

• Permanent sadness and desire to cry for no apparent reason, linked to feelings of hopelessness and even tiredness.
• Loss of the meaning of life. No interest in any activity. No desire to do anything. No motivation for any task.
• Feeling of loneliness.
• Feeling of abandonmentand even "jealousy" for not being the child's priority.
• Excessive and irrational concern for the child's well-being. or daughter, generating stress or anxiety.
• Vulnerability or affective sensitivity (irritability) related to insignificant issues related to the child (they served the child's favorite dessert and that affected him/her), even feelings of rejection or exclusion can be generated (without having valid arguments for them to appear).

Some variables in the expression of the syndrome

Reactions are not usually equal in intensity, as they depend on factors such as the type of relationship maintained with the child, the personality or the emotional resources available at the time; Much of this is mediated by the support that spouses may offer each other..

Women express their discomfort more easily and seek professional help. Men, because of their social role, find it more difficult to externalize their discomfort, which is expressed through somatic complaints.

Empty Nest Syndrome and diagnostic manuals

It is important to mention that this syndrome syndrome has no diagnostic basis in psychiatric manuals.. 

Nevertheless, it is frequently heard nowadays in the clinical consultation. At the beginning couples focus on the "going away of their children", little by little they become aware of the abandonment of their person and most probably of their partner, therefore, the process of recovery begins at this essential point.

What to do?

The objective is to be clear about your goals, projects, hobbies, friendships, family, among others, as well as to dedicate the time and energy you need for your recovery.The goal is to dedicate the necessary time and space to the couple and to allow an environment where the children can "fly" without generating a significant imbalance in the parents.

In those situations where the couple maintains a healthy relationship, but one or both parents are going through this situation, a series of recommendations are offered to help them assimilate the new dynamic more easily:

1. Work on self-esteem

Many times the couple places all their hopes and expectations in the role of parents, that is to say, in the formation of good human beings, and nothing else is contemplated beyond that task. Therefore, when the children no longer need them to make decisions or simply undertake their own projects on their own, a huge void is generated, a huge void is created..

Therefore, the Empty Nest Syndrome can lead to a feeling of uselessness that undermines self-esteem.

2. Focusing your attention

Many times people only focus on the losses they are going through, without paying attention to the gains they are making.. When a child leaves home, it is because he or she is ready to assume, with his or her own resources, his or her life, which will bring with it many benefits or opportunities. Therefore, it is worth channeling the new needs in a positive way. In short, to tackle new projects.

People have many capacities and virtues that they can put at the service of others. Starting a volunteer, community work, charity work, counseling, may be options in which to redirect their potential and energy, or some work that generates income but at the same time can be therapeutic.

3. Expressing one's feelings

It is healthy for parents to express their grief, as they are going through a grieving process that they will gradually overcome. Therefore, it is normal for them to visit their children's room or belongings and, if necessary, to cry to release their pain. This is a very personal moment of emotional recollection.

4. Reorganizing the role

Children begin a new stage in which they will also need things from their parents, but from a different position. It is very important for parents to adjust to their children's new needs, which may be just as important as their own.It is very important that parents adjust to their children's new needs, which may be just as important as when they were at home.

5. Take away the stress

Parents often spend a lot of their parenting time worrying about their children's well-being and are predisposed to be worried, but now unnecessarily so. Even without wanting to, they transmit these worries to their children, which is harmful.

That is why it is necessary to learn to relax, first by detecting those negative or irrational thoughts that generate worries, and then by practicing physical exercises and, if necessary, meditation.

6. Living a second honeymoon

Having more free time is a good opportunity to enjoy time with your partner and to look for new activities that you both enjoy: eating out, playing alternative sports, visiting new places, etc. and to look for new activities that are to the liking of both: going out to eat, practicing alternative sports, visiting new places, etc.

If you no longer have a partner, it may be the best time to meet new people, go out with friends and share moments with the rest of the family.

A final consideration

The most important thing to keep in mind is that parents have the wonderful job of doing what is necessary for their children to become independent.

Although it may hurt at first, adjusting to the new situation is the most appropriate and beneficial thing to do, as no parent would like to see their children back at home because they were not ready for the world. Therefore, there is every reason for parents to be happy and proud. both for his work and for the effort that his pupils are making by putting into practice the teachings of the master and mistress.