Why Do We Feel Ashamed? Learn How to Avoid It

The shame It is a feeling that can have catastrophic effects on human life, from being unable to perform a task, an impediment to developing one's own abilities and life, to self-hatred and suicide in the worst case scenario.

Let's see other definitions

Most current authors studying this phenomenon agree that it is a relational experience: we feel that we are deficient compared to others, that we have failures when others do not and that we are exposed to the scrutiny of the gaze of others those who look at us with a critical eye. This phenomenon can also occur in relation to ourselves, that is to say, sometimes this critical and shameful look comes from our internal forum.

Why do we feel ashamed?

Despite the inhibitory power of the shame there are those who postulate that they have a reason for being. Let's see the main argument that would justify the reason for the shame: Shame originates from feeling of vulnerability of oneself in front of othersTherefore, it can preserve us from situations of social stigma so that we can adapt to common norms so that a feeling of belonging prevails. This function of shame is adaptive, that is, “I will do what I am expected to do so as not to be despised by my peers or so that a feeling of self-contempt is generated in me”, however, we see that many times, Given the we are animals with the capacity for free thought, our vital aspirations, longings and the connection with our own truth can lead us to the conclusion that what is really advisable for us is to carry out an apparently maladaptive action that implies that we must tolerate a feeling of shame in order to grow. If the shame is very intense, it will incapacitate us.

An example

Let's see an example taken from an article by a prestigious American psychoanalyst: “Let's imagine a woman whose husband or romantic partner has continued her relationship with her previous partner, she knows it but out of shame she does not bring it to light and decides to pretend to believe the statements of her husband according to which the old relationship has ended. This fact allows her to keep her husband and get him to stay by her side since she is afraid of losing him because she considers herself unyielding. Both live mutually in a world of shame configured inter-subjectively ”. As we can see, in the aforementioned case we see how shame allows us to maintain a type of apparent benefit (married life is maintained) but from a conflictive base (she maintains this shameful relationship because she considers that no one else will be able to love her). Shame becomes here, and in many cases, a false friend that submits us and diminishes our capacity for development.

What is the best remedy for shame?

Since the power with which we experience shame emerges from a deficient feeling of self-esteem, this fact must make us reflect on the importance of periodically reviewing our own It is true that it is largely determined by the satisfying, loving and reinforcing relational experiences that we have lived, but it is no less true that while there is life, there are also new opportunities to live experiences of this type. This we can do checking the way we live, in how we relate, for this, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

• How do I position myself in my relationships of trust?
• Is there true reciprocity in these, or on the contrary do I allow myself to be dominated, subdued, or humiliated in some way?
• How do I attend to my needs?
• Am I able to make my own decisions?
• How do I run my life?
• Is this significant?
• Do I grow and learn so that it is?

Since shame is a relational phenomenon, we can also ask ourselves the same questions in relation to others:

• How do I position my relatives in the relationship?
• Do I try to dominate, subdue or humiliate them? Do I make them feel loved and at ease in the relationship?
• How do I attend to the needs of others?
• Do I respect the needs of others?
• Do I help others make their lives meaningful?
• Do I help others to grow, develop and learn to do so?

Without a doubt, the best antidote to end shame it is love in solidarity, for oneself and for others.

• Shame has been, is and will be one of the human experiences with the greatest intensity and the greatest incapacitating power.
• As the power with which we experience shame emerges from a deficient feeling of self-esteem, we must reflect on the importance of periodically reviewing our self-esteem.
• Without a doubt, the best antidote to end shame is solidarity love, for oneself and for others.

Enric Artés Specialist in Clinical Psychology