Why don’t I let myself be happy?

Some people don't know how to enjoy life. Why do they have this problem?

Sometimes good or even fantastic things happen to us. We get a raise, a new job or our company is finally doing well, we have a stable and healthy relationship or things in our life are finally "falling into place", and yet we feel that "something is not right.". 

It is as if when everything seems to be going in order an emptiness, fear, anxiety grows inside of us. Why does this happen, isn't it crazy?!

Why are some people not able to feel happiness?

To understand this problem that affects so many people, let's look at a concrete example.

Miguel, from success to failure in a short time

Miguel is a person who works in sales and is doing quite well.. He has worked hard and has made an effort to sell more and serve his customers in an extraordinary way. One fine day, at the annual gala dinner, his boss decides to name him salesman of the year, with a new position and an excellent bonus. He had never reached such a high point in his career.

Miguel felt totally happy and grateful for the recognition, but soon after he reacted negatively. He began to arrive late to work, started having headaches and back Pain for no apparent reason. He decided to delegate the tasks he did best to his subordinates and to neglect his customers. Her performance was dropping and her evaluations were no longer as positive as before. His boss noticed the change and brought it to his attention. Miguel felt that his boss had strongly criticized him and felt resentful. He soon got caught up in a negative spiral of underperformance, frustration and self-criticism. He began to doubt his abilities as a salesman and wondered if he deserved his job. After achieving what he wanted so badly, he seemed to be self-sabotaging every step. Why couldn't he just accept the position and feel satisfied?

When the good news isn't so good?

In fact, this behavior has a psychological explanation, this behavior has a psychological explanation. We all form a concept of who we are, yet for numerous reasons (experiences, upbringing, defenses) we have areas in which we evaluate ourselves negatively. Instead of changing this negative self-concept, we unconsciously adapt to it and create a certain balance around it, like a thermostat that is always regulated at the same temperature. It is our personal ecosystem.

When we receive a lot of love, recognition and admiration that contradicts our psychological and emotional balance we feel anxious, because all this challenges the negative self-concept. Anxiety or fear of "not measuring up" or feeling out of place turns into hostility to manipulate circumstances or alienate others, distancing us from that "temperature rise", i.e. love, admiration or recognition.distancing us from that "temperature rise", i.e., love, admiration or recognition.

A defense mechanism that can sabotage our joy.

This is called pseudo-aggression. Pseudo-aggression is a type of anger that is used to provoke rejection and create distance in others to restore psychological balance..

Unusually positive experiences sometimes trigger deep sadness and other painful emotions that in turn trigger anger and hostility. I suspect that the legend that people who win the lottery are often unhappier than before has to do with this very thing.

Back to Miguel and his difficulties

A good friend of Miguel's, very perceptively warned him that all this whirlwind of frustration, poor performance and resentment against his boss seemed to come from the promotion and the bonus won a few months earlier.

This reflection made sense to Miguel: since he had won the award he felt that there was something about him that he did not deserve it, he feared that all his boss's admiration would vanish if his performance declined, and he felt uncomfortable with the new source of attention and praise. However, understanding the source of his negative reaction gradually made him reverse course toward job failure. He began to realize that the boss was not against him, that the customers were the same, and that he had inadvertently neglected his job. He began to grow and adapt to his new concept and "ecosystem" instead of shrinking back to be sent back to the world where he was conditioned..

Share with us: Have any good changes in your life been a source of imbalance in your "ecosystem"? How have you felt and what have you done to adjust?